Thread: see

i wonder
said he
at the window staring out

Do you see what i see -
The blowing wind
rustling transparent with mischief
as it casts leaves away in swirls of laughter
And the tall tree trunk towers
guarding the endless morning sky
arms outstreched
ready to catch should it fall
And the dear ground
Hugging all under the beaming sun
with soft embrace

i wonder
said he
is that what you see?

no
said she
looking out there too
i see what you see
i see the blinds.

Oh dear, talk about being short sighted.

I very much enjoyed this, there are some wonderful lines in here.

rustling transparent with mischief
as it casts leaves away in swirls of laughter
And the tall tree trunk towers
guarding the endless morning sky
arms outstreched
ready to catch should it fall
And the dear ground
Hugging all under the beaming sun
with soft embrace

"rustling transparent with mischief
as it casts leaves away in swirls of laughter"

I love these lines

Thank you both do you have any adVice on how i could improve on it?

The ending is just perfect. I laughed; it made me smile.

My thoughts: Maybe some quotation marks around the dialogue? Also, some general punctuation is needed. I kind of tripped up in places because of a lack of a period or comma or what have you.

Hmm okay. Is this better? I'm reluctant to put quotation marks




i wonder,
said he
at the window staring out.

Do you see what i see

The blowing wind
rustling transparent with mischief
as it casts leaves away in swirls of laughter

And the tall tree trunk towers
guarding the endless morning sky
arms outstreched
ready to catch should it fall

And the dear ground
hugging all under the beaming sun
with soft embrace

i wonder,
said he.
is that what you see?

-

no,
said she
looking out there too.

i see what you see
i see the blinds.

This is only my personal view on punctuation, so take or leave it. I think that the way you have it now feels very haphazard. There are lines which start with capitals, when there has been no period, and lines which begin without a capital, that should be capitalized. As a reader, I find it distracting. My mind, whether I want it to or not, is trying to make sense of the punctuation. Better to have no punctuation at all, so the reader knows not to expect any, than to have it randomly throughout the poem.

Ah the poetic mind!

As Wordsworth says,

"A primrose by a river's brim
A yellow primrose was to him,
And it was nothing more."

I liked it, specially the description part. The ending made me smile.

I liked this, too.

My favourite lines are:

'And the dear ground
hugging all under the beaming sun
with soft embrace'

Thanks for a lilting, lyrical read.

Love,

Firebird