Thread: Wail Songs

Behind my eyes,
tugs the dirty-fingernailed fist
of a feral child.
She is unkept and unkempt.
Her hair hangs like a stiff, matted rug.
She doffs her confidence like a smudge.
If I allowed, wordlike sounds
would tumble out
like underwater whale songs.
But I’ve built myself like a barricade.
I’ve poised myself in front,
behind,
and above.
A cage would not be enough
to shield this wild cipher.

Behind my eyes,
tugs the dirty-fingernailed fist
of a feral child>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>wonderful alliteration here
She is unkept and unkempt.
Her hair hangs like a stiff, matted rug.>>>>>>vivid image
She doffs her confidence like a smudge.
If I allowed, wordlike sounds
would tumble out
like underwater whale songs.>>>>another great image
But I’ve built myself like a barricade.
I’ve poised myself in front,
behind,
and above.
A cage would not be enough
to shield this wild cipher.>>>>>>loved this evocative thought

Well done Celeste.

Celeste, a chilling image!

Behind my eyes,
tugs the dirty-fingernailed fist

And then you have the contrasting. Just beautiful!

would tumble out
like underwater whale songs.

MORE!!! Laurie

Thanks so much to both of you for your lovely feedback!

"She is unkept and unkempt.
Her hair hangs like a stiff, matted rug.
She doffs her confidence like a smudge."

My favorite three lines. I really enjoyed the pacing in this piece. I originally thought it needed a stanza break, but upon second reading I think the one stanza is just fine. Nice work!

Quite lovely in an oddly inspiring way.

Squalid Glass, thank you sincerely for your response, and for taking the time to reflect. Your feedback is always very thoughtful.
Isaiah, I think that "oddly inspiring" is a pretty good compliment. So thanks : )

Hi Celeste

I really like the imagery in this, but I must admit the two last lines confused me a bit; to shield implies protection, yet a cage would be entrapment. Does it mean that the feral child needs to express itself rather than being repressed? If that's the case, I would suggest changing second last line to a cage is no longer enough.

Also, I wasn't sure if the poem actually spoke of two characters or if the feral child might be something like feelings curled up inside the narrator? I went with the last understanding, also why I suggested the above change. In any case I'd love to hear your own transliteration of the piece.

Then just a few nits; whale songs I thought didn't work so well. The contrast was too big for me, as well as how I recollect underwater whale songs, they wouldn't reflect wordlike sounds tumbling out. And in relation to the title - wail/whale - it came off a little too gimmicky for me.

One last thing, I will just suggest having behind and above on the same line. It was a strange emphasis for me and it would read just as well I think.

In spite of these nits and confusion I think you have some really nice and delicate imagery for something very emotional.

Martin, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I did purposefully choose the word "shield". I meant to convey a slight imbalance. I don't mind that the word evokes a little confusion. Since you're asking, I was raised by a schizophrenic mother who would leave me without food for days. This poem represents the child inside, and the woman that I've built up around the child to protect/shield her. But I am also embarrassed of this side of me. So while I shield her, I also keep her hidden. Although this child is part of me, we are two separate people. Sometimes the abandoned girl inside comes to the surface. "Whale songs" is a symbol for art, music, poetry, and the beautiful things that come from suffering. I used "whale songs" because they are mysterious, foreign, animal, and beautiful. I was trying to convey a feeling, rather than a clear, concise idea. I chose the contrast of "whale" and "wail" because one is beautiful and the other implies suffering. Again, trying to convey a feeling of imbalance.

Poems that are extremely personal and speak from life experience are often hard to translate, I think. It's interesting to hear your point of view, though. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Thanks for sharing your personal story behind it. Connecting with each other through our poems, no matter how 'spot on' we are, is really one of the things I enjoy the most on these boards. Though from hearing your thoughts on the poem, I can say the feelings I got from it was not out of sync at all.

Best,
Martin