Thread: I walk as I came

I walk as I came;
my shadow changing shades,
shapes
in differing lights
along the same streets.

The dance, predictable,
like a pretty drug -
didn't last long,
unlike the real one
ripped on.

While no one knew me
- a familiar alien -
just I remembered faintly.

And as I had broken
nights before,
this night
I broke once more.

So I walk as I came;
my shadow changing shades,
shapes
in differing lights
along the same streets.

I really enjoyed this. The wordplay made me dizzy, which I think is nothing but good. At first I wasn't sure if the lack of punctuation would detract, but upon completion I don't think it's an issue.

I too enjoyed this one Martin. This one made me have to stop and think, which is good. I'm not sure about the lack of punctuation though, it did make me stumble with where to put the emphasis in some places. Of course, maybe that was the point? To make each person have to decide how to read it.

Thanks for commenting.

Squalid, I was actually pretty dizzy myself (literally speaking) when I wrote this. Anyway I'm glad to hear the wordplay got to you.

I thought it appeared more hollow somehow, without punctuation, but I just found it really hard to add any. It seemed, as you mention Cindy, that some subtle meanings here and there would actually go lost with punctuation. I tried to add some, and I'll of course be happy for any suggestions on the matter.

I'm glad you both enjoyed it.

Martin, beautifully written. I get a feeling of the lonely. It's subtle, not screaming at me, which allows me to feel tender. An evocative piece and I loved this alliteration:

like a pretty drug -

Keep bringing on the gems! Laurie

Thanks Laurie.

Subtle and lonely means I hit what I aimed for. I realised, when I explained the piece to a friend, that I've completely abandoned hope in it, which is quite unusual for me. And so, as it's also a personal piece, in that sense it might just rank as my darkest as of yet...

Originally Posted by Martin

I walk as I came;
my shadow changing shades
shapes
in differing lights
along the same street.

I am quite smitten with this first stanza and enjoyed its repetition as the last,
of course, with the notable "So" to provide a nuance of feel and meaning.

Originally Posted by Martin

The dance predictable,
like a pretty drug -
didn't last long
unlike the real one
ripped on.

I would have a very slight almost discernible pause after 'The dance' (comma would suffice methinks)
and after 'unlike the real on' (which to me appears as a natural aspiration) But that's just me.
Feel free to disregard the suggestion but look into the observation.

Originally Posted by Martin

While no one knew me
- a familiar alien,
just I remembered faintly,

The 'just' doesn't feel quite right, somehow jarring the rhythm.
Maybe it's just me. But I've read it out loud several times and
it seems to suggest 'no one but I remembered, however faintly'
If that is what the line means then I guess it will have to stay.

Originally Posted by Martin

and as I had broken
nights before
this night
I broke once more.

To do away with the redundant 'night' tonight might be a recourse.
That would eliminate having to rephrase the line/s. Personally, I am
not all that fussed about repetitions, especially if they are deliberate
as a literary device.

Originally Posted by Martin

So I walk as I came;
my shadow changing shades
shapes
in differing lights
along the same street.

There is a fluidity of thought and cadence of emotion that I deem the strength of this poem.
It persistently pounds at the idea of a kind of disconnectedness (shadow, changing, differing,
didn't last, alien, faint remembrance, being broken....) as it counter pointed with the 'familiar'
and being 'along the same street,' 'familiar alien,' and predictable dance. It's as if the loneliness
in the crowd and the kaleidoscope of life brings a dejectedness akin to losing hope.

I am invited by this poem to look out for your other poems. Thanks for sharing.

The poem has a disorienting effect. Evocative of the drunken, spinning melancholy while stumbling home by the streetlights, physically and psychologically wrecked after a wild party. This stands in apparent contrast to the image presented in the poem's title; the subject walks away stoically, unchanged and unfazed by the events of the night. The kicker is that the narrators stoicism is the hardened stoicism of the exhausted, the combat veteren, or the junkie, all of whom are accustomed to the privations of stress because they live it constantly, accept it, and expect it; whatever might happen, the narrator cannot be shattered because he already is shattered. Going or leaving, his walk is the same shamble. The only thing which changes are the wild tricks the different lights play on his shadow. But differ as they may, those lights are on the same streets the narrator has already walked. The tricks they play are an illusion of disorder, and they are just as unchanging as the narrator.

While no one knew me
- a familiar alien,
just I remembered faintly,

"just" is iffy, and vague. It makes little sense grammatically, but digging into the context of the poem it could mean a few things. It could mean "justly" (the narrator agrees with his characterization of himself as a "familiar alien" who is recognized by many but known by none). It could also mean "a little" (as in "but only just"); this might mean that the narrator only slightly agrees with either notion (neither simultaneously), that he is "familiar" or "alien". Or it might mean "just as I remembered faintly".

The above is the sole problem I see in the poem. The rest is brilliance.

Arkayye, comma suggestions taken. The 'night' repetition was deliberate and I did of course consider 'tonight' instead, yet felt somehow it would be stronger the way I have it. The 'just' was there (now just edited) for the exact reason you came upon and your overall transliteration is very well received.

Edge, your transliteration was so spot on you took me right back to that dreadful night. I was drunk and more than that, in a state that forced me to leave a trashed, wild and still young party in the alternative environments of my city (as has happened before). The shadows changing was my actual experience as I stumbled home, and the whole stanza formed in my mind that instant with the ironical meaning you so accurately describe. You really just said it all...

I tried changing the 'just' to 'only', but I'm not sure it helps the understanding and flow. Actually I as well had problems with that whole middle stanza. I drafted all the other parts of the piece just after returning home that night, until my mind simply sat out, and the middle stanza was then tacked on a few days later. I felt somehow the piece needed something to center it, also given the repetition of the first stanza.

Thanks so very much for your comments guys, I really appreciate it.

Martin

"pretty drug"

I loved that part the most!

Thanks Svir.

Sorry for bumping the piece. I just tingled with the middle stanza, adding a line and hopefully clearing up the intention. I have showed the piece to a skilled poet and friend of mine, who surprisingly caught on that the middle stanza was added at a later stage and then suggested to me to completely cut it away. I've grown rather fond of it now, but maybe it's not such a bad advice after all. I'd love to hear any critique or suggestions regarding that stanza in particular. Thanks.

If you were here, I'd rap your knuckles with my trusty ruler. Why on God's green earth would you apologize for bumping this piece, you had a valid right to do so. I'm glad you did, too, or else Lord knows how much time would have elapsed before I happened upon it. Love this. You captured your state admirably while in a disoriented state, and did it in a fashion that others can easily embrace, there's gotta be some award for that somewhere. As for the middle, tacked on or not, I like it just fine, too. Great work, Martin, honestly, I felt as if I were staggering right beside you, and that loneliness is so darn palpable.

Best,
Lisa

Thanks so much Lisa. Your comment is always appreciated, and I'm happy to see you roaming around the boards again.

I changed the middle stanza back to how it was initially, just with an added semicolon. I didn't feel content with any of the altering I attempted, so I guess for now I'll leave it at that.

I liked this one quite a bit. I enjoyed the circularity of it, and the muted sexual overtones.

Thank you Ramatheson, interesting you caught on the muted sexual overtones.

Martin