Thread: Why I Joined

I'm new to poetry, but have been studying it as part of a creative writing course, and I would like to be able to write it well! This is something I wrote today, and I would appreciate any direction those with more experience of poetry could give me. It isn't course work, just practise!

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Why did I join the police in the first place you ask,
my inquisitive guest or family friend,
over dinner or a beer but most times just with
speeding ticket in hand and a blush to your cheeks.

I understand why you ask, I say, as I take the ticket from your hand,
It's your own fault really, don't you know the rules?
The law tells you what to do in six foot high signs
with numbers to match the ones in front of your eyes
but we don't say that do we, I mustn't be rude.

Why did I join the police, all those years ago?
Was it to help people get over their darkest fears?
What did I think about keeping the peace?
When did I realise how hated I was
For giving decent people tickets like this.

So I read over the ticket and make a pronouncement,
it's not really my area you see but I will say
if you're not happy you can make a complaint, or challenge the officer
in a court of law,
but I don't want that to happen, because I'm not on your side.

Why did I join the police, what were my thoughts?
There must have been something to send me that way,
So I think long and hard, because you really want to know
And I say it out loud, for the first time in public
It's because I hate people: especially you.

Well done for your first poem. Never easy to do. The reason for joining the police turns out to be quite sinister.

It could probably be a tightened a bit and feels repetitive in places.

A few thoughts for you to consider, just my view so use what works and ignore what doesn't

Why did I join the police in the first place you ask,
my inquisitive guest or family friend,
over dinner or a beer but most times justmostly with
speeding ticket in hand and a blush to your cheeks.

I understand why you ask, I say, as I take the ticket from your hand,
It's your own fault really, don't you know the rules?
The law tells you what to do in six foot high signs
with numbers to match the ones in front of your eyes
but we don't say that do we, I mustn't be rude.

one thing I don't follow in this verse is that the answer doesn't relate to the question asked but seems to relate to a different one.


Why did I join the police, all those years ago?
Was it to help people get over their darkest fears?
What did I think about keeping the peace?
When did I realise how hated I was
For giving decent people tickets like this.

So I read over the ticket and make a pronouncement,
it's not really my area you see but I will say
if you're not happy you can make a complaint, or challenge the officer
in a court of law,
but I don't want that to happen, because I'm not on your side.

Why did I join the police, what were my thoughts?
There must have been something to send me that way,
So I think long and hard, because you really want to know ...try to avoid cliches like "long and hard"
And I say it out loud, for the first time in public
It's because I hate people: especially you.

There's no discernible rhythm to it, the rhyme scheme seems random and more jarring than anything. It's too long overall and it doesn't really seem to have a reason to be that long. The message is pretty simple and it doesn't need all that to get there.

All in all its not much of a poem, but the important thing is that you wrote it. I'd suggest reading more poetry from great poets and studying up on structured poetry, rhyme schemes and maybe vocabulary.

Personally, I feel the real key to a poem is the hook. Just like any top 40 song, there needs to be something there to catch you. A sly metaphor, an artful rhyme scheme or a powerful subject. This poem has no personality, no hook. It's boring and I don't really enjoy reading it.

Sincerely hope this helps even though I probably sound like an a****** ha ha.

But mainly: Read more poetry! It will help your own creative processes immensely!

Shadows, thanks for the feedback - I'll take it on board! Glass Pencil, I can't quite make out your opinion? That's a joke by the way...the idea was very UK based, especially around speeding tickets, so maybe I should have made the basis a bit clearer for non-Brits? Thanks anyway!

I agree with shadows, a good first effort.

There are many places that could be trimmed and tightened, as shadows has pointed out, which would make this a more compelling read. Don't give up, writing good poetry is a learning process and it takes time to hone your skills.

Gumby, your comments are very kind, and appreciated. I wrote this poem as a first try - I did not intend to present it as something worthy of anything apart from an exercise. I assumed from reading this site that I could expect honest and useful criticism. I understand that I need to read more poetry, and fully accept that my writing ability will never reach the levels of others. It's only a hobby after all, and I get paid well enough for what I do at the moment!

Hi Paul, trimming words from your poems will usually strengthen the words that are left, making the impact stronger on the reader. The most common way of doing this is to leave off as many of the 'a's , and's, buts, the's, etc. as you can. These words really don't add to the poem and are assumed by the reader. I've taken your first stanza and tried to show you what I mean below. Please don't think that I'm saying you should change your poem to be exactly as I've written it, this is only an example of what I mean.
Hope this helps.

Why did I join the police in the first place you ask,
my inquisitive guest or family friend,
over dinner or a beer but most times just with
speeding ticket in hand and a blush to your cheeks.

Why did I join the police, you ask
my inquisitive guest or friend,
over dinner or beer, but most times with
ticket in hand- blush to your cheeks.