Thread: Glass In Pieces

you are glass
in pieces by the sea
oh sight beheld with eyes so chaste
as virgins once again...

tears of avarice
and face of dreams defined
breathless heavens, shadowless
a flame so deftly hides

twisting serpentine
jagged on my tongue
now shattered and unclean
is glass beside the sea

I think you've got something here, but the lines are really making me stumble. The 3rd and 4th lines of the first stanza read really awkwardly to me. I get a similar sense of confusion in the second stanza in the 3rd and 4th lines. I think if you try rewording the sentence in a less "poetic" fashion you might find that it works better.

That being said, I really like your opening lines and the metaphor you're putting forth.

I was actually trying to engender a sort of broken motif to the whole thing when I wrote it (which was about 6 years ago.) So I'll take your concerns as a marker of success ha ha.

Thank you for reading and giving me some feedback. I really just wanted to get something posted on this forum and was feeling nostalgic about this piece for some reason.

Hello Glass Pencil,
You're welcome, friend, to the forum.

I really admire your construction in verse one. Then struggled with the rest which shaped up as a deep-set style of poetry.

"...in pieces by the sea
oh (I got stuck at this point. I guess you meant something like 'holy') sight beheld with eyes so chaste
as virgins once again..."

Thanks. Fox.

I guess I was trying to maintain a simple rhythm to the whole thing, really just iambs and miscellaneous ending accents.

OH sight BEheld WITH eyes SO chaste
AS virGINS once Again

The first line is all ready the longest in the poem and I felt making it any longer would really break the flow I had in my mind.

Also, by way of an explanation:

you are glass
in pieces by the sea
oh sight beheld with eyes so chaste
as virgins once again...

This is a metaphor for infatuation. Upon first seeing a particular woman my eyes were captured in a similar manner to finding glass upon a shoreline. The second half is an allusion to the excitement of first looking at something or someone beautiful. Kind of like Madonna's "like a virgin".

tears of avarice
and face of dreams defined
breathless heavens, shadowless
a flame so deftly hides

The first two lines are representative of the folly inherent to defining a person before knowing them. You create an ideal person from fantasy rather than see them for who they are. You then suffer because of your own foolishness. The third and fourth lines are meant to convey the urge one has to live up to these fantastic ideas for a short time after meeting someone. The flame being a lie that shifts and changes until finally guttering out.

twisting serpentine
jagged on my tongue
now shattered and unclean
is glass beside the sea

The metaphor of eating glass is my representation of ending a relationship and having your fantasy shattered. Once a relationship is ended there can never be a return to the fantasy of an ideal person. You both played into each others misconceptions and so are both left tarnished in each other's eyes. It is meant to convey loss and guilt.

My bad. It's kinda early around here, so I must have blundered through while reading. I gave this another thoughtful read, coupled with your detailed explanation, and I have to admit that this was simply brilliant.

Great name, Glass

I liked this piece. I would say though, and maybe you didn't feel you had to, but I don't think you should ever feel like you have to defend meaning in your art. Just my thoughts on it.

The first two lines are representative of the folly inherent to defining a person before knowing them. You create an ideal person from fantasy rather than see them for who they are. You then suffer because of your own foolishness. The third and fourth lines are meant to convey the urge one has to live up to these fantastic ideas for a short time after meeting someone. The flame being a lie that shifts and changes until finally guttering out.

twisting serpentine
jagged on my tongue
now shattered and unclean
is glass beside the sea

Oh, I hear what you're saying GP! I've been there and felt quite the fool when reality came crashing down on my delusion. I felt angry and embarrassed which I thought you got across very well. I would suggest adding one important word "You"

You, twisting serpentine

I think it brings us closer to the subject.

And I second Glass. Don't feel the need to defend your art. If someone asks you to "explain" a line or a stanza in your poems you may explain or tell the reader you'll get back to him/her while thinking about their question. Take the pressure of yourself.

All in all I thought this was a great poem and am looking forward to more! Laurie

Actually I rather enjoyed explaining it and I appreciate the scrutiny you fellows have put my poem under. I don't mean to seem ornery but I guess, as a writer, we're not much more than egoes fluttering in the breeze of public scrutiny, heh.

I've posted 2 older poems but I'll refrain from reposting old stuff now and work on producing new works, I think perhaps something new won't have that feeling of "this is all ready done" to it.

Thank you all for reading!

I have to admit, I wouldn't have understood the poem without your explanation. Up to you if you are happy with the meaning being elusive or if you want it to be clearer.

I'm fine with it being somewhat obtuse. When I wrote it I was somewhat obtuse, ha ha.