Thread: Fissure 1

I hear two girl children
laughing in my stomach,
debating if the house dog
is a horse or a dinosaur.

Of course, it’s a matter
of their perspective and
I smile hearing them,
they; the first time amused.

All the children in me.
In my stomach,
solar plexus,
my throat.
But it stops there.
Their voices never
get past my teeth
which grate the gate
before my lips.

I stuff down the past
with a comforter
because it was so cold
when childhood
was put on ice.
But, oh,
the glorious numbing.

I haven’t heard
their laughter
in my stomach
for some time.
But they never cry.

This I know because
my eyes are always arid.

The anatomical verbage is almost shocking in its implied imagery. I really like this, its structureless and stark but there's a happiness to it, kind of like the way a shadow accentuates a light. If that makes any sense, its a happiness made apparent through absence.

Hello Laurie,

Such a tale you have wrapped in style. And the voice of the speaker, this sole listener, speaks volumes of what we all tend to harbour alone.

'Their voices never
get past my teeth
which grate the gate
before my lips.' I love the rare quality of the description here.

I absolutely love you first stanza! What a perfect image. I enjoyed this, but these lines confused me a bit

"I smile hearing them,
they; the first time amused."

why is "they;" there?

I kind of get the feeling that the "they" is meant to emphasize the detachment between the narrator and the children. Despite the obvious fact that "they" are portions of her personality.

I think it is meant to indicate a distance between her and the children that cannot be surmounted.

This:

Their voices never
get past my teeth
which grate the gate
before my lips.

Wow. I had to reread that a few times just to appreciate the perfect image. Also, the clever use of "arid" at the end instead of the anticipated "dry" which would have completed the rhyme. Just a great sense of self awareness. Loved it.

My only thought; some of the enjambment felt a bit funky to me. It threw off the rhythm in places. The first stanza had great enjambment, but the second one is where I had the most trouble. It just threw off the pace in my reading. The poem has some syllabic qualities to it, but I would suggest maybe playing with that a bit and seeing what comes about.

Ah, the children inside us. They're trying so hard to get out, but often we end up forgetting about them. Your piece really resonated with me, yet it made me think of something as well, how we take childhood as being something special, for granted. What is the difference between us laughing today and back when we were children? With illusive nostalgia, childhood somehow becomes something we think we loose along the way. It's quite the romantic notion and childhood in itself is actually a rather new term. Go back just a few hundred years, and you wouldn't find our modern perception.

Anyway, I believe there's something to it, as children certainly posses more of a free and open mind and spirit. Thanks for reminding. Now I hope it's okay that I link to an older piece of mine, which is much about the same. That the inner child of ours is still there somehow: http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...eart-pips.html

Much enjoyed Laurie,
Martin

It's early, here. The first thing I thought of (not even out of bed...no coffee, writing now) was that I must put in great effort to re-write this poem for I feared no one would understand it. I have to thank you all for reaching deep into yourselves for that is the only way it could be understood.

Glass Pencil You read it, heard it. The happiness implied. The knowing that younger inner parts of self can find joy despite a joyless childhood.

but there's a happiness to it, kind of like the way a shadow accentuates a light.

Such poetry in a review!

Uzo Yes. We do harbor our worlds alone no matter if we choose to voice. No one can ever know another's inner structure. We all carry a kind of hierarchy of angels, our inner children. One voice louder than the other. And thank you. You quoted my favorite stanza.

SvirVolgate I'm pleased you enjoyed the first stanza. Once that was out of the way, opf course, it was easier to move on.

why is "they;" there?

Originally Posted by Glass Pencil

I think it is meant to indicate a distance between her and the children that cannot be surmounted.

Could not have put it better.

Glass I especially don't like my endings to be predictable so I'm glad you appreciated "arid". Now, I will certainly go over the poem keeping your points in mind.

Martin Am honored that you stepped in. When you do I think we can all agree it's because you feel a piece is worthy of your time and thoughts, so thank you.

We've heard it before. "We are the sum of all that we experience". How can we not forget our inner children. But we do and carry on with the everyday adult burdens.

I think it's important, as you said, that we don't take this part of ourselves for granted. If we embrace the whole of ourselves I believe we will be all the richer for it. More fleshed out as a human being.

Thank you, Martin, for the link to your poem. I see the similarity! How wonderful, meaningfully put!

“Now, please come play
with me, under that old tree;
Near the roots
let’s search for pips.”


Thank you all for your feedback. Now, I feel I don't have to embark on a total re-write and can move onto another piece. You have all been very generous.