Thread: Fishing With My Father (Some Explicit Language)

Fishing With My Father

Smoke, salt, and gasoline swells the air.
Dried squid that looks like cum
on the concrete pillows beneath my feet
attracts the birds
and the stone perch behind me
—a nest for the homeless alcoholic
and his bottle’s shardy remains,
is crusted in violent graffiti:
Fuck off Julie you whore.

A pelican with more piercings in his lip
than all of Victory’s roster
looms closely to my string in the sea;
he acts as if that line is snagged,
not on a rock or boot,
but a little rubber stopper
that keeps him floating and the fish wet.
My father cuts the line and saves
more water than any man on earth.

He always loved the crush of the waves on his ears
and splintered bits of glass underneath his shoes;
his cigarette burned sweetly back then
—a cool orange glow between his lips;
the steam tickled my nose into a sneeze.

It’s been a while since I’ve fished
or fed the rocks my hooks;
I’m still addicted
to secondhand smoke and salty gasoline;
maybe I’ll go camping
and maybe I’ll fish there,
in the woods, with my friends.
I wonder how many knots I still remember.

I made some minor edits

i hate to do this, but I'd really appreciate some feedback on this one.

Svir, what a poem! You begin with a wonderful alliteration.

Smoke, salt, and gasoline swells the air.

Another favorite:

his cigarette burned sweetly back then
—a cool orange glow between his lips;

The imagery overall is right on spot bringing me into your experience.

A job extreemly well done! Laurie

There is a hyper real quality to this one that I like. The words that you chose for the first stanza are very strong and evocative (cum, homeless alcoholic, graffiti, whore). I commend you for your bravery. I immediately felt that, being a lady (haha), I shouldn't be reading it. And I have a feeling that was the point? The mood that you've created is perfect for the subject of the poem: a fishing trip, and maybe even learning to be a man. I would like to see a tiny bit more word play and editing. One of my favorite writers says, "write the sentence, not just the story", and I think that this applies to poetry also. The sounds and shape of the lines could use some polishing, and you could still retain the rough quality that you may be looking for. But it's a great concept! Well done!

Thank you both for taking a look at this.