Thread: Somewhere Suddenly

A little experiment I've been working on. Not really sure about it right now. Just looking for some feedback and suggestions.

Thanks!

(Edited version posted 3/13)
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I love the movement of pictures here. From calm to an imminent chaos. You've succeeded with that.

A few thoughts: ST1 could probably be making use of some commas after me and car. I'm no expert fixing mine, but the lines just ran through so I thought you might want to consider some commas.

'I heard laughs...' I pondered over this grammar-wise, thought of 'some laughter' as a better option, but would refrain from suggesting.

'...whatever existed' Nice ending. But more imagery would also be wonderful.

A Very pretty image of youthful love and curiosity.

I have a bit of a problem with the word ordinary, but maybe you just chose that to be a little ironic.

I enjoyed this a lot thank you!

I like how you turn the otherwise cliche setting into a surreal experience. It has a pleasant feel and pace to it and I could easily picture the whole thing, yet had to stop and ponder in the two last verses. At first it left me wondering and searching for some meaning, but after another read I could settle just with the randomness and the youthful curiosity that Svir mentions.

Only nit is "its tail screaming with flames". To me that sounds so dramatic, that I would either have the boy dream it or simply imagine how a far away plane works, though neither was what I got from it! I would personally stick to a clean description of a plane high up in the sky, being a short ray of light and a distant roar (or something).

I hope it helped.

Fox - thank you. "Laughter" will probably sound better.

Svir - thank you for the kind words.

Martin - thank you. Just wondering - the final image of the plane is supposed to be of one on fire, crashing to the ground. Did that not come through? I've been struggling with how to show that, and have been having issues.

It did occur to me that might actually be the case. "its tail screaming flames" should be pretty obvious I guess. I don't know, it just seemed unlikely given the otherwise peaceful nature of the piece. Also how it dissapeared into whatever existed didn't resemble much of a crash! May I ask what your thoughts behind it is?

I think fox summed it up nicely: From calm to an imminent chaos.

In earlier drafts, the relationship between the characters had much more hints of distance and imminent chaos. I tried to leave a little of that in here, but most of it is gone.

The last line was difficult for me. I wanted to make the place of the relationship only have hints at imminent destruction. I didn't want to destroy it. So I was hoping the final hint would work, but I have realized this whole time it's quite ambiguous. I just am not sure how to straddle the line there.

I did get the notion that the characters had some distance, or that it wasn't mounting to a lasting relationship. So I think you did a good job on that, very subtle yet it's there in the ambiance.

At first I didn't pay attention to the tail, somehow I thought it was the engines! I'm not sure the connection with the plane crash works, but I see what you're getting at now, and I must say I really like it. Sorry for the biased opinion.

Like Uzo, I loved the movement of pictures. And you certainly placed me there with the young couple.

Our feet

sometimes flirted.

I stumbled with the white space. Such superb imagery but divided. I would tinker with placement.

Our sky was ordinary;
it was soft for September, and almost bland.

Potential for a very smooth alliteration if you left out "it was" reading:

Our sky was ordinary;
soft for September, and almost bland.

Thank you, Glass, for another great poem. More!!!

Thanks for the observations silver. I have gone through and worked them in.

Martin - if i changed "tail" to "wing", do you think that would make the image clearer?

This is a very great piece, sir. I really liked it. The way when the character asked his companion about asteroids falling at stanza two, only to have a plane fall by stanza five... Now that is what you call "prophetic."

Truly, I have greatly enjoyed this piece. My respects to you.

I think actually it's more the "screaming" that hindered my first read. Afterall, a jet engine would also be screaming when working right. May I suggest "wings engulfed in flames" instead? Would be a rather clear image.

But as I said, I kinda turned on a plate here, and ended up liking every word as is.

I have edited my original post with my second draft. Thank you all for the help.

Nitpicks first: "prone" if I'm not mistaken means to lie on your stomach, which would make looking at the sky quite difficult on your neck. Though if that's what you meant, by all means ignore that.

I particularly enjoyed the comets and asteroids rushing past, while the man-made plane returns to the earth, conveying a sort of separation between Earth and the cosmos. Parallel to the distance Martin pointed out hinted between the young couple. I wish I would've been able to read the original also, but I thought this was certainly well done.