Thread: Why?

As we all get older
my eyes grow colder
andmy heart gets shy
every step i take
every mistake i make
feels like a boulder
added to each shoulder
then i open my eyes asking...
WHY?

The bold "why?" is more of a gimmick than anything. I would suggest getting rid of it.

Next - the lines "every step i take/every mistake i make"... isn't that from a Police song?

I think the repetition of the word "and" to start off those early lines is distracting. I thought the poem would be building on a structure of some sort when I read those, but then... it didn't. I think they are simply distracting and unnecessary now.

I agree about the bold word. It comes off too heavy-handed.

I think you should expand this sentiment and explore the things you want yo ask "why" about. Give examples through images that can help the reader understand what is confusing the speaker.

Hello Eric,

From your number of posts, I can see you are pretty new to the forum. So, welcome.

I love the sincererity in this piece . And for the fact you've tried to piece this truth in one verse interests me.

Though I agree with SG on a couple of things, I still believe you could relay this meaty approach in one verse. A few more lines could do the trick.

Fox.