Thread: Inspired by a Little Song

Inspired by a Little Song

I’d like to remember every bedroom door.
Thin metal that echoes when you knock it
with your knuckle; the simple chime resonates
within itself, as short and sharp against
the ear, as the fractured flesh that strikes it.
Sometimes, it creaks and drowns the carpet in
sunlight, moonlight, noonlight, and the roomlight
becomes something darker or brighter than
it is right now, but all that matters is
the change: to heat, like my deepest breath,
or to cool, like when I pinch my lips and blow
a slow breeze with breath that can’t ever end.
But I can’t recall all the plywoods and oaks
that locked me in where it’s safe to dream.

Hello Svir,

It is a pretty inclination when one draws inspiration from another piece. Through the piece, some rhythms came into play.

A few things you might want to consider: A title for your poem. Titles play a pivotal role in writing. They not only attract a reader, but also give an insight to the speaker's message. So I feel you need one here.

The subject of a door and a few activities on it were grossly dwelt upon. Then comes the room. Though I don't read poems at once to grasp the whole idea, I barely feel the same way towards this one. If I'm correct, the narrator speaks of an intrusion, and an unfair disconnect from his dream. If that's the case I suggest you could build on the intrigue already.

'Sometimes, it creaks and drowns the carpet in sunlight, moonlight, noonlight (do you need this after ''sunlight"? I guess not) and the roomlight(stick to "room" cos I got distracted by "roomlight" )becomes something darker or brighter...


I didn't intend to tear your work down. It still holds a subtle touch I find very interesting. Thanks for the read.

For me, the enjambment makes this difficult. It disrupts the pacing and rhythm. As of now, I don't really see a reasoning for most of the breaks. Also, the end words and start words lack power. I think making a point of ending lines and starting lines with nouns especially can really help that.