Thread: A New Me

So I found another one that I wrote 5 years ago! Some of it is a little immature, but it captured me perfectly at the time... Please note that there I do make use of a little profanity.


A New Me

I haven’t done this in ages
I haven’t picked up a pen
It’ll be 9 months tomorrow
And I haven’t written since then.

I’m not sure why I haven’t
It’s not like I haven’t had time
Maybe I was terrified
To verbalise the feelings of mine.

I still can’t really explain it
The emptiness inside
The intense form of longing
I’ve had from the second she died.

I know the truth of what happened
I can now cope with the fact that she’s gone
But everyday I wish and pray
That I could still have a mom.

I know she’ll always be there
Somewhere inside my heart
I just wish I could see her face again
And know we didn’t ever have to part.

I can still feel her presence
Whenever the family is around
But it disappears so instantly
When everyone is home bound.

I feel her there when we’re laughing
I feel her there when we talk
But the moment that everyone leaves
It’s as though she goes on a long, long walk.

I no longer feel her with me
I feel completely alone
And no matter what I’m going through
I feel like I’m doing it on my own.

Mom I’m writing this in memory of you
Hoping you’ll never let go
I’m terrified of losing you again
And the memories of you no longer flow.

It is so very scary
To realise that you’re no longer there
But it’s something I have to deal with
It’s a constant pain that I have to bear.

Dad is moving quickly on
But I know he still cries for you
I want to hug him and say it’s alright
But sometimes I just don’t know what to do.

You always had the answers
You could always make things right
I wish I could have you back for a day
Just to talk and hold me tight.

I miss everything about you
But I’m managing to keep going on
It’s such a frightening thought for me
To know that I no longer have my mom.

I think of you all the time
Especially over the small things
Over things like birthdays, achievements, tears and pains
Loves, everyday things and weddings.

It’s a hard thing for me to know
That you won’t be there for me
When I want to pick out a wedding dress
Or to show you who your grandchildren will be.

I go along day to day
Knowing I can’t talk to you
When I’m happy or sad
Or when I have something to work through.

I needed you there when I finished Matric
I needed you there when I started at Varsity
I needed you there when I got my exams results
I needed you there when I failed my drivers horribly.

There are so many moments in my life
When I desperately need you there
But in my heart is the only place
Where you will forever be.

Things are really hard for me now
Even though dad and I are friends again
Shopping lists, cooking, birthdays and things
Are things I find hard remembering.

I’m not built to be a mother yet
I can’t cope with what I have to do
There was only one person who was perfect at that
And that person was you.

You always knew what had to be done
You always had a plan
You could tell me when I was right and wrong
Put me gently into place - you can.

Mom it is so weird without you
And having to move into a new place
With a new woman and her daughter
Please know I will never forget your face.

I am so scared to move out of this house
To lose the memories of you that I have
This house holds you and things you did
This house I truly love.

What happens if I forget Mom?
What happens if the memories fade?
I don’t think I could live with that
Forgetting everything that you made.

Why did it have to happen?
Why did you have to be sick?
I have moments of tears then moments of anger
Why must I always put up with this shit!!??

I always feel like I’m being punished
That God is hurting me for fun
Why is it always me?
That must go through these things that have always gone on?

I don’t want to hurt anymore
Please take away my pain
I’m begging you to make me feel better
To make me feel alive again.

My goodness do I miss you
Your voice, your laugh, your touch
I just wish that I could tell you again
That I love you so so much.

I can't imagine how horrible it must have been to lose your mom. I think this poem really captured how you felt but I did notice a few awkward points.
I can still feel her presence
Whenever the family is around
But it disappears so instantly
When everyone is home bound.
The home bound rhyme seems a bit forced.

I needed you there when I started at Varsity
I needed you there when I got my exams results
I needed you there when I failed my drivers horribly.

It should be "exam results" not "exams" results.

The last four paragraphs are my favorite as I can really feel your anger. Every frustration was released into the poem. Perfect.

Originally Posted by The Blue Pencil

I did notice a few awkward points.

Thank you for your notes Blue Pencil. There are many awkward points. When I wrote this I still believed that poetry had to rhyme, so I would spend ages trying to piece together words that sounded alike. It is very clear that it didn't always work so well

Originally Posted by The Blue Pencil

The last four paragraphs are my favorite as I can really feel your anger. Every frustration was released into the poem. Perfect.

I am so glad you liked it. When I found it and read through it again, I actually thought it was a little immature. I posted it because it illustrated me at a difficult time in my life and even though I don't really like it, I do like how upfront it is.

My first reaction is this - write this poem again. That's not to say it's bad. But, nostalgia aside, this is a great chance to create something new. I would like to see how this poem feels now, with so much distance and growth.