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Thread: You're My Sea.

  1. #1
    Ink Blot
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
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    You're My Sea.

    [IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/gs/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-9.png[/IMG][IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/gs/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-10.png[/IMG][IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/gs/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-11.png[/IMG]
    I've been walking on the beach;
    On the freedom beach.
    I've been watching a little rainbow,
    Fading on the wavelet.
    It reminds me of you;
    Coming late and quickly go.
    I've seen a little wave breaking at the beach rock.
    Like my dreams when It faces with reality.
    I've seen the sun go down and embracing the sea
    Like you so tight hugging me.
    I've inhaling the sea breeze
    And guess what, It has the same warm of your breath.
    I've been watching the tide of the sea
    As if you're dancing salsa with me
    When you let me go but quickly come back and again holding me.
    I've been Licking the spatter of sea water on me
    It's sweet and sour like the taste of your kiss.
    I've seen the sand losing control and melt into the water after having a little kiss.
    That's exactly what happens to me when your lips touch my lips.
    I've come to wash up my worries on the sea.
    It's very soothing like your hand when you pat on me.
    Now It's time to coming back to reality.
    But the sea was calling for me.
    Hido you wanna watch the silver dawn and enjoy the husky dawn chorus with me?
    Would you like to come on moonbeam and dance with your prince charming
    Oh , I forgot that would be me.
    You can't just walk away and turning your back on me
    Cause I'm your dream and you're part of me.
    Then I realized why people throwing themselves into the sea
    And why I throwing myself on you
    That's because you're my little sea.

  2. #2
    Mentor Olly Buckle's Avatar
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    I really liked this, tender without being sloppy. There are a few small issues I have addressed.

    I've been walking on the beach;
    On the freedom beach.
    I've been watching a little rainbow,
    Fading on the wavelet.
    It reminds me of you;
    Coming late and quickly go.

    There is a mixing of tenses here, try “Coming late and quickly going” , “Late to come and quick to go” or “Come late and go quickly”

    I've seen a little wave breaking at the beach rock.
    Like my dreams when It faces with reality.

    You did not need the capital on ‘It’, but also, ‘Dreams’ is plural, so “Like my dreams when they face reality”

    I've seen the sun go down and embracing the sea

    Replace the ‘and’ with a comma, “... go down, embracing the sea”

    Like you so tight hugging me.

    And another comma between “Like you, so tight ...”

    I've inhaling the sea breeze

    Inhaled, past tense, to go with “I’ve”, or “I have”

    And guess what, It has the same warm of your breath.

    “Warmth as ...”, because it is 'the same as', leave out 'same' and it would be 'of'.

    I've been watching the tide of the sea

    The tide is of the sea, other tides , like the tide of events, are metaphorical, the point would be better made as “... the sea’s tides”

    As if you're dancing salsa with me
    When you let me go but quickly come back and again holding me.

    “come back and again holding me” this construction does not work. “... back, and again are holding me”, “... back to hold me again”, but the line is long, how about,
    “When you leave me, but quickly return to hold me.” ?

    I've been Licking the spatter of sea water on me

    No capital needed, you have been licking where sea water spattered on you, or you have been licking the spatter of sea water off yourself.

    It's sweet and sour like the taste of your kiss.
    I've seen the sand losing control and melt into the water after having a little kiss.

    Lose control and melt, or losing control and melting. How about finishing the line, “At the wave’s kiss”.

    That's exactly what happens to me when your lips touch my lips.
    I've come to wash up my worries on the sea.
    It's very soothing like your hand when you pat on me.

    “Pat me” is good, no ‘on’.

    Now It's time to coming back to reality.

    ‘Come’, if you used the ‘ing’ it would be ‘be coming’, but that sounds awkward.

    But the sea was calling for me.
    Hi do you wanna watch the silver dawn and enjoy the husky dawn chorus with me?

    I would not use ‘dawn’ twice, rather “... and enjoy its husky chorus?” I think the “With me" is not necessary either.

    Would you like to come on moonbeam and dance with your prince charming

    Try “... dance on a moonbeam with your prince charming” or even “... with Prince Charming”

    Oh , I forgot that would be me.
    You can't just walk away and turning your back on me

    ‘Turn’ if you use the and, or replace ‘and’ with a comma and keep ‘turning’
    Cause I'm your dream and you're part of me.
    Then I realized why people throwing themselves into the sea

    ‘Throw’

    And why I throwing myself on you

    And why I am throwing myself at you, or why I throw myself at you. On you would be literal “Get off you great lump”.

    That's because you're my little sea.

    Personally I would put a full stop after ‘you’ and make the last line,
    “Because you are my sea.”
    It has more impact, and there is no need to diminish her.

    A lovely metaphor, well expressed.
    Last edited by Olly Buckle; 02-24-2011 at 03:02 PM.
    A Read for the Train, a collection of short stories, flash fiction and verse. Its cheaper on Lulu, 25% discount.
    http://www.lulu.com/shop/oliver-buck...-18812406.html

  3. #3
    Ink Blot
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
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    2
    thanks a lot for your opinion, I really appreciate it and I will try to edit the poem.

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