Thread: Iridescent

my heart is iridescent
you're able to see clear through me
Empty promises and poetic phrases
do nothing to fill me up
I wrap my coat tighter around me
Trying to hide what you can see
Remembering a time
when I was able to just be me
Please, turn around and hide your eyes
you're making me feel
making me feel everything
Just turn your head a little
Let me close this gaping wound
Don't say I told you so,
My heart can't handle it

Have you ever heard anything by Sinead O'Conner? this sounds like a song she would sing - raw and honest, but poetic

Originally Posted by Kiz-zy

My heart is iridescent
you're able to see clear through me I would suggest a more unique way of saying "see clear through me" - your first line is so unique and intriguing, this second line seems so bland in comparison
Empty promises and poetic phrases
do nothing to fill me up
I wrap my coat tighter around me
Trying to hide what you can see nice couple of lines, these - (although consider "Trying to hide what your eyes can see" instead - it provides a little more human imagery, and the rhythm flows better)
Remembering a time
when I was able to just be me
Please, turn around and hide your eyes now I'm rethinking "hide what your eyes can see", since you say eyes here - still not sure though
you're making me feel
making me feel everything these two lines really sound 'Sinead-ish'
Just turn your head a little
Let me close this gaping wound powerful
Don't say I told you so,
My heart can't handle it nice arresting end

This is decent writing, you should submit more

---todd

Yes, it would make a killer song. You packed a lot into such a short piece. I love the word iridescent and you've used it beautifully here.