Thread: A Taste of Pain "Egyptian Revolution"

Grannies lose children.
Mothers scream out loud.
In the name of a revolution.
Boys cry in the crowd.
Sabotaging minds has failed.
Salvaging lives has been made.
A grand voice and a pencil.
A sacrifice and a free well.
Bullets fly among innocents.
While poetry is a weaponry.
Cadavers rise to heaven.
Still, fighting to share.
Bloodshed is a nightmare.
Money created murderers.
Money made up lies.
Made filthier traitors.
Salivating like dogs.
Scattered in the fog.
Different beings.
Here, we were born.
Here, we will breed.
Souls, hopes.
Prayers and tears.
The land of history.
The meaning of faith.
A taste of pain.
A valuable gain.
Respect takes over.
Independence comes closer.
Personalities fade.
Unities speaks.
Fear dies.
Smiles and smiles.
Satisfaction is great.
Remembering the blood stains.
So Egypt shall remain

Hmm... I think making each line its own fragment sentence makes this a bit choppy. It also feels like you are trying to tackle too many things in too short a space. Might I suggest picking one or two themes from this, and expanding on that? Also, there are so many statements in here, but not many images. Images can really add depth and feeling to a piece; I would suggest using Egyptian imagery more. The final line is great and having more imagery of Egypt to illustrate your points might add a bit more zest to this.