Thread: Tapestries

Less than acceptable, less than we Are,
Less than some others, but Our best by far
Less than the Worst to suffer our grief,
Less than the Best, yet better are we;
Less than the mercy that brings us each day
We wander the ruins of games others play.

More than the love, more than the hate
More than the blessed twist of fate;
More than the maelstrom-like dance we weave,
More than the lies we are forced to believe
More than moments we are given to rest,
We are tapestries, veiled behind lifetimes of tests.

see, and herein lies my problem. BTW, this is aimed at the experience of the mentally ill (into which category I fit), but poetically, I scribble things like this down and never take them to the next level. I never rework, leave childish rhythm and rhyme schemes as they are, and never get Better.

This one is a classic example: I need to get a grip and write Real Poetry. *sigh*

I think you are undervaluing yourself here. I'm not a big fan of these poems which repeat a lot, but some of them really do work, especially when they are short, like this one. I'm not sure if this would be called Refrain type of poetry or not, but I think it may.

Yes, you could take this theme and write a different poem, one that might seem more sophisticated to you, but the meaning of what you are saying here isn't childish. You've captured something here and I think it's very good.

I like the rhyming in this, and I think that repetition like you've done can work. This is not bad. I would like to see a little more clarity, maybe with some images. I think that might help add some power here.

Gumby is right. Don't sell yourself short.