Thread: A lost kite

On windy days,
I ran up onto the moor to fly my kite.
It looped the loop,
nose-dived,
sawed and rattled past clouds.
Occasionally, through a quick moving sky,
a shaft of light engulfed me,
and the stage was mine.
My heart raced as my hands sculpted
and rode the wind,
and any worries were left far behind.

One afternoon, the kite’s thread
snapped.
I dashed after it,
but already late for supper
stopped
and watched
as it coasted over fields and hedges,
I’ll find it tomorrow, I told myself.

As an adult, I often wonder
where that kite might have landed.

Boy, I'm surprised this hasn't gotten any responses. I thought this was lovely, and has quite a great statement at the end.

I think one thing you may look at is changing some of the cliches in here. "My heart raced", "light engulfed me", "worries left behind", etc.

I also think the first stanza could be cut down a bit. Lines like "It looped the loop/ nose-dived" could possibly be cut.

The second stanza, aside from a couple awkward line breaks, is wonderful. I loved, "but already late for supper/ stopped/ and watched/ as it coasted...".

The final stanza, I think, is a wonderful place to end this. I think the first line is spot on but the syntax of the final line feels a bit clumpy to me if that makes sense. I would like to see it changed up a bit (with the same statement) and maybe economized a tad.

Nice work.

Yes I read this a few days ago, and wanted to comment yet somehow it slipped.

It's longer than your usual style, and I think it suffers from some fill, in relation to what we're used to from you. The metaphor however, in all its layers, is a very enjoyable and reminding one.
I was thinking maybe it would work well as a short story. Though I do enjoy it as it is, I'd also like to see how it would turn out with Squalid Glass' suggestions.

This reminded me a bit of the film Kite Runner and the excitement of flying a kite and trying to control its path.

On windy days,
I ran up onto the moor to fly my kite. ..maybe me but the plural of days followed by ran, doesn't sit well. Perhaps "used to run" or "would run"
It looped the loop, ...to smooth the flow "and watch it loop, nose dive, saw and rattle past clouds"
nose-dived,
sawed and rattled past clouds.
Occasionally, through a quick moving sky,
a shaft of light engulfed me,
and the stage was mine. ..I like the image but engulf seems too overdone. Perhaps haloed
My heart raced as my hands sculpted ..heart raced is a bit cliched but I like the feel of being part of the kite. Instead of far behind, you could work with the kite flying more and say "left on the ground"
and rode the wind,
and any worries were left far behind.

One afternoon, the kite’s thread
snapped.
I dashed after it,
but already late for supper
stopped
and watched ..here you could say " stopped to watch it coast over fields and hedges"
as it coasted over fields and hedges,
I’ll find it tomorrow, I told myself.

As an adult, I often wonder
where that kite might have landed. ..You could say "where the kite landed"

Enjoyed, thanks for the read.

Squalid Glass and Shadow your suggested edit have been very useful. Many thanks - they were much appreciated. I have adopted some.

A lost kite

On windy days,
I’d run up onto the moor to fly my kite.
Occasionally, through a quick moving sky,
a shaft of light would kissed me
and the stage was mine.
My heart sawed
as my hands sculpted and rode the wind.
And any worries
were specks far below.

One afternoon, the kite’s thread snapped.
I dashed after it
but already late for supper
stopped
to watch it coast over fields and hedge.
I’ll find it tomorrow, I told myself.

As an adult, I often wonder
where that kite might have landed.


Martin, you were right there was too much 'fill' and there still may well be.


Many thanks to all of you for your comments and reading.

Love,

Firebird

I think this edit is an improvement. I still think there are some words that can be cut out though.


On windy days,
I’d run up onto the moor to fly my kite.
Occasionally, through a quick moving sky,
a shaft of light would kissed me kiss
and the stage was mine. I think from "occasionally" to here, the rhythm is off. I like the stage image, but I think it needs to be reworded somehow.
My heart sawed
as my hands sculpted and rode the wind. better
And any worries maybe lose "and"
were specks far below. maybe lose "far"

One afternoon, the kite’s thread snapped.
I dashed after it
but already late for supper
stopped
to watch it coast over fields and hedge. hedges
I’ll find it tomorrow, I told myself. I think if you flipped the syntax here and made it say "I told myself/ I'd find it tomorrow" it might have a nicer flow. Just a thought

As an adult, I often wonder
where that kite might have landed. I would lose "might have" and just let it be