Thread: Hope

Hope.

My Heart lies bleeding on the open page of history.

My soul scarred by the barbed wire of Auschwitz.

My eyes, weep rivers for the Bastards, Orphans and refugees of this world

Ny fingernails claw at the cage that we are all born into, yet few of us ever escape.
My lips ache to brush against hers, ache to utter sweet nothings, ache for somebody to ache for them.

Hope has Thou forsaken Me?

Am I destined to wander these barren lands alone, blindly bouncing from one meaningless wasteland to another?

The sweet release of sleep my only refuge.

I yearn to sleep for a thousand days and nights and only awaken if you have returned to guide Me.

To be my shepard and lead me to new pastures.

I guess I shouldn't say anything at all because this is disturbing on so many levels.

****, guess we should just ignore the feeling we have and drop poems about ******** we dont actually feel.
How is writing about real emotions wrong?

Wasn't your intent to disturb the reader? You talk about sleeping your life away... to me, that is disturbing. And no, you don't have to cave because one person isn't wild about your words of doom and gloom. Passion is good and I'm sure someone here will love your words.

You have captured the hopeless feelings of the disenchanted here. My only nit is the formatting, I think it would read better if you left aligned it. The center alignment is distracting and interferes with the flow, as it's not a natural read. You can't absorb the meaning as well when you are distracted by the effort of reading a center aligned poem. I am wondering if you meant the word scared in the second verse to be scarred? Either word fits, but as you mention barbed wire, it made me wonder. I liked the almost religious referrence of the last line, as it made me think of the famous Psalms.

Originally Posted by Gumby

You have captured the hopeless feelings of the disenchanted here. My only nit is the formatting, I think it would read better if you left aligned it. The center alignment is distracting and interferes with the flow, as it's not a natural read. You can't absorb the meaning as well when you are distracted by the effort of reading a center aligned poem. I am wondering if you meant the word scared in the second verse to be scarred? Either word fits, but as you mention barbed wire, it made me wonder. I liked the almost religious referrence of the last line, as it made me think of the famous Psalms.

Thanks, and will take your pointers on board

Hello there. Some suggestions and my overall take:

In line 3 you should either un-cap O and B or cap R in "refugees" and in line 4 you misspelled "My".

Then I wonder what cage you're talking about in line 4. It's rather abstract and I'm sure you have more words for it you could share.

In line 7 I think "thou" is quite unfitting and makes the whole thing sort of a parody on self-pity.


Overall, what I get from this, is that the narrator is overwhelmed by hopelessness and pessimism, apparently because of the state of the world and its history. Then, the only thing that would have him make a stand, is if a specific woman would be with him. I'm guessing the "shepard" in the end is the same person as the female mentioned in line 5? If not I think you need to make clear who the shepard is. If so, I think the two parts need something more to tie them together. Something that explains why it is, that a person can change our outlook on the world?

So I think your piece could use some tightening up but you do hit a nerve with it. It's very honest and very emotional and I believe it's very true, that the world can seem so much darker and pointless without the one we crave, craving us back (change crave with love if you want). Interesting read.

I hope it helped,
Martin

Originally Posted by Martin

Hello there. Some suggestions and my overall take:

In line 3 you should either un-cap O and B or cap R in "refugees" and in line 4 you misspelled "My".

Then I wonder what cage you're talking about in line 4. It's rather abstract and I'm sure you have more words for it you could share.

In line 7 I think "thou" is quite unfitting and makes the whole thing sort of a parody on self-pity.


Overall, what I get from this, is that the narrator is overwhelmed by hopelessness and pessimism, apparently because of the state of the world and its history. Then, the only thing that would have him make a stand, is if a specific woman would be with him. I'm guessing the "shepard" in the end is the same person as the female mentioned in line 5? If not I think you need to make clear who the shepard is. If so, I think the two parts need something more to tie them together. Something that explains why it is, that a person can change our outlook on the world?

So I think your piece could use some tightening up but you do hit a nerve with it. It's very honest and very emotional and I believe it's very true, that the world can seem so much darker and pointless without the one we crave, craving us back (change crave with love if you want). Interesting read.

I hope it helped,
Martin

Thanks, I actually typed this up in about 5 minutes, I write poetry based on how im feeling at the moment I write it, so it tends to be vauge, I just like putting my thoughts down for myself, I dont have any profesional aspirations.

Sorry if I made a few spelling mistakes, I only got to year 9 in school before I was expelled so I have been out od education for a long time, I should brush up on my grammar soon.

Thanks for the constructive criticism mate.

Appreciated

I thought it was Very powerful, powerfully expressed, Mao. Though personally, I felt almost gypped by the last line :/ I agree that you should left-align it. Certain words like 'hers' beg for clarity or perhaps a longer version to give more; also, the reference to 'Auschwitz' seems not to fit the rest.

That's just me. And I am no professional. Your expression of emotions worked well here Thanks for sharing.