Thread: "Carcass"

EDIT EDIT

I pop sweet purple bubbles into my mouth,
rolling each small orb around my tongue,
savoring the nectar
as its crisp skin parts between my teeth

I pluck off one after another,
leisurely dismantling the hanging vine,
as cool juices burst--
so do their numbers.

I feast slowly, taking my time
to pick the skeleton clean.


Ok, so... i'm not sure about the period in the second stanza, I liked how the original flowed on without them. But I don't think I can get away without that one. ALSO in the second stanza, I'm considered several different words instead of leisurely. (delicately, gently, carefully, etc) I'm not 100% sure it's the right word, or maybe dismantling isn't the right word... we'll see I guess!

EDIT

I pop sweet purple bubbles into my mouth,
rolling each small orb around my tongue,
savoring the nectar
as its crisp skin parts between my teeth

I pluck off one after another,
slowly dismantling the hanging vine
as cool juices burst
so do their numbers

I feast gently, taking my time
and pick the skeleton clean.

Disturbingly appetizing. I think "rolling each small orb around my tongue" is a little wordy. maybe you could cut out small or one of the other words.

I enjoyed this.

Well that's a new way of looking at grapes for sure. Very picturesque indeed.

Maybe too many "ings" in that first stanza. Also, last line in first stanza, "its" annoyed me a bit, as there apparently are more than one grape. Don't know if I'm too nitty..!

Then you got two "slowly" quite close to each other near the finish. It read ok though, still I'd change or omit one of them as there's no elaborated meaning from the repetition.

Good stuff.

I like the feel here, very sensuous and tactile. I didn't see the original, so will only say that the version above has the word 'time' as an end word twice, which jumped out at me. This is something I try to avoid, but it may only be a personal nit.

First, I would like to thank all of you for your observations. I'm glad you took the time to respond! (It's my favorite thing)

I changed the the first time, which takes the rhyme out of the stanza. I think that with that small change the "ings" are less obstructive?
I revised according to the other suggestions, do you like it better?

You made my mouth water with this. I'm off to raid the fridge in a minute to find some grapes.

A few thoughts to consider.

I am not keen on the title, your poem is about the fruit and the pleasure of eating the grapes not the empty vine and carcass creates an image (in my mind anyway) of an animal of some sort, killed for its meat. The vine isn't killed or harmed in anyway by eating the fruit.

I pop sweet purple bubbles into my mouth,
rolling each small orb around my tongue,
savoring the nectar
and piercing its crisp skin between my teeth I think you could lose "and" and "its" should be "their" as everything else is plural. Also the order of the last two lines needs to be switched as the skin has to be pierced before you can savour the nectar.

I pluck each grape off one after another, ..when reading, I was disappointed that you revealed that they were grapes so soon in the poem. I think you could have let the words show it - afterall vine is a dead giveaway. You could simply say "I pluck one after another...."
slowly dismantling the hanging vine
as evermore cool juices burst
--their numbers slowly dwindle ..do you need to tell this? It is obvious if you eat one after the other, the numbers left will dwindle.

I feast gently, taking my time
and pick the skeleton clean. ..maybe change "and" to "to"

Originally Posted by PrisonerOfPrey

EDIT

I pop sweet purple bubbles into my mouth, Comma in between sweet and purple.
rolling each small orb around my tongue,
savoring the nectar Beautiful
and piercing its crisp skin between my teeth Should its be their?

I pluck each grape off one after another, Maybe a comma after off... i was also wishing the grapes would be hidden till later on, sans the Carlos poem linked below
slowly dismantling the hanging vine
as evermore cool juices burst perhaps take out the evermore?
--their numbers slowly dwindle I thought this one particular line could have been eliminated

I feast gently, taking my time
and pick the skeleton clean. perfect ending two lines

Nice. Reminded me of William Carlos Williams. This Is Just To Say- Poets.org - Poetry, Poems, Bios & More

I'd still suggest more economization of language.

I'm glad you found the poem so delicious shadows!

I like the "Its" in the first line because at that moment I'm talking about a single grape that I have in my mouth at that particular moment. But if all of my readers agree that it should be change maybe I am not being effective.

I am not keen on the title, your poem is about the fruit and the pleasure of eating the grapes not the empty vine and carcass creates an image (in my mind anyway) of an animal of some sort, killed for its meat. The vine isn't killed or harmed in anyway by eating the fruit.

Shadows, the whole idea for this poem came when I looked over and and really looked at the grape vine I had been eating off of. It astounded me how similar each little section of it looked like bones, like a carcass. Besides, my particular style leans toward morbid anyway.

As for why I have the line, "Their numbers slowly dwindle"; Its because I was attempting to get the reader to imagine what a grape vine looks like as each grape is peeled away. It goes from this wonderful sumptuous bounty to a dreary architectural structure. Maybe I could achieve this in a different way, i'll keep it in mind. I agree, it is obvious.

I'm going to delete the word grapes from the poem, you are both right, it doesn't need to be said I think. Oh, Glass, your poem reminded me of another, even shorter, poem by - Joseph Hutchinson...

Artichoke

O heart weighed down by so many wings!

Anyways, i'm off to revise! (Revision completed!)