Thread: UnAware

I don't like the Night. It catches me
Unaware, though I have been standing at the window exchanging
Parting Pleasantries with the Sun;
It catches me Unaware.

I remain ill-prepared for the Death of the Day, though the sickness of late
Afternoon waxes Pungent with decay;
It catches me Unaware.

Darkness blossoms in growth spurts, as forbidding shadows race to envelop the very
Air around me. Twilight is no delicate gown; I shiver, for
It catches me Unaware.

There are some good images in this poem, but I think you should choose a different title, something that adds to the poem. You already use unaware 4 times in the poem. I also don't like the first use of unaware in the first stanza, it throws the reader off when they then see it 3 more times in the poem. The line ending uses make more sense, but that first use of it just seems out of place.

though I have been standing at the window exchanging
Parting Pleasantries with the Sun;


I remain ill-prepared for the Death of the Day, though the sickness of late
Afternoon waxes Pungent with decay;

Welcome to W.F. bookbender.

I enjoyed these lines and the images brought to mind by them. I have noticed in your writings that you use a lot of capitalizations in the middle of sentences, I'm assuming it's to give the chosen words more importance. However, I don't think it always works that way and if you use it too many times it loses it's effectiveness in a poem. Though I did enjoy your usage of them in your blog story and felt that they added to the piece.

I disagree with Gumby, in part. I actually liked your use of capitalization's within the line. The problem that Gumby mentioned I think could be fixed in a way other than getting rid of them. In the format you have your poem in now, it is too much, also, you didn't discriminate with the caps on the first letter of each line, and it throws off the careful attention you give to the others. Pick and choose which first letters you capitalize.

Another thing is that I think this poem would be improved with a custom made format. With the inside capitalization and punctuation you use it only makes sense to add some funky line breaks. Kind of a cummings sort of deal. For example,

Originally Posted by bookbender

i don't like the Night. ........ It catches me
...............Unaware,
though I have been .....standing at the
...window
exchanging Parting Pleasantries ...with the Sun;
.........It catches me Unaware.

....I remain ill.......-prepared
for the Death ........of the Day, though
.............the sickness
of late Afternoon waxes ..... Pungent with .....decay;
........It catches me Unaware.

Only you would do it better

I also agree with SvirVolgate, in part. Again, I think the unawares will be made more palatable in a new format. As for the title, I agree completely.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem, it got my mind going when I started thinking of how you could change up the rhythm. It tempted me to graffiti your poem like peterphreak used to do! The content is good, now you have to start thinking about how to present it.

Thanks, everyone I do use capitalization far too often for emphasis in verse/blog style writing and forget that it does not always fit poetically. Cool format, Prisoner.

As I look back through Your eyes (all of you), I see that 'unaware' is overused. It's funny how we can get too close to our own material to catch the obvious. I'll be trying something different entirely for the crime poem due Monday - we'll see if I improve somewhat.