Thread: "Gleam"

Seeing it in my hand,
Erect. I fiddle with it
Listlessly,
Fighting back the urge

Mistake(?) maybe but the
Urge is overwhelming, and my throat aches with
Tears and tiny talons pierce my skin,
Ironic that it doesn’t hurt. I
Lust after the sensation
A
Tiny
Incision that doesn’t bleed, and still I
Only
Need.


*An acrostic poem if you haven't noticed yet. I did it for a class but I would love feedback. I'm considering adapting it into a free verse poem.

Hi PoP

I'm glad you mention that it is an acrostic as I wouldn't have known. Cleverly done. My only problem comes in the second line. I would change "erect" and "I fiddle with it" They send this reader completely in the wrong direction. Maybe - extended and then paint a picture of what "fiddling with it" is - eg running a finger up and down the steel, opening and shutting the blade, or whatever.

I think you could also work on the ending to make the need more urgent to show why she keeps self harming.

Agree with Shadows. The second line implies something you might not want to imply. On the other hand, I suspect self-mutilation might be a little bit masturbatory.

Incision that doesn’t bleed, and still I
Only
Need. I am struggling with the underlined. You probably needed to make it fit the form (which worked very well overall by the way), but it sounds funny. One possible change is to add a word after "Need". I suggest "release", although that might be too obvious, especially if you deliberately omitted "release" for the poetic effect of describing the rush before the climax. In any case it still reads clunky.

Cool stuff Prisoner.

Thanks guys! I will definitely brainstorm about what to do with the ending. The suggestive wording however was intentional. I want the subject to sound like something dirty because that is what it is, and for the reader to have to come to the knowledge of what the poem is about. What I'm going for is this, the reader reads the poem thinking it is sexual and feels slightly uncomfortable, then realizes its about self mutilation and becomes doubly so. Did it work???

Yes, I think you accomplished that, Prisoner. I actually like that you've made it suggestive, in the sense that Edge spoke of. I think that there is often a sexual component to this compulsion.

I took a second look at edge's statement about the bottom lines and there is a reason I have them clunky. The one line stanzas represent the swift cuts, one after the other.

Gumby, thank you for your response, i'm glad you have high opinion of this piece.