Thread: Human Being (10.15.2010)

A trembling soul shaken by the thought of breath,
Question these lungs that gasp for air,
Desperate to hear words slip from the devil's lips,
Creating lies drowned in fantasy and broken promises,
Slowly creeping from behind to create a hungry monster,
Entering the veins of a fallen being who was beaten into submission
Whose tears accrue in shapeless form begging for salvation
While others mindlessly slaughter sons and daughters
Rapists stealing lives and thieves of many cultures run a muck
This frightening soul tortured hearing constant cries and screams
Which rips it's dreams and possessions easily away
Feeling deep inside its filthy soul - the oh so filthy world it was created into
Which devoured its wings enslaving and caging it for eternity
If you would dare to look into its eyes and seep into its soul
You would become a witness...to a murder...a rapist...a thief..
For everything that gave it its innocence has created the beautiful pitiful creature it is now..
A Human Being.

My first suggestion is to shorten your lines. Your poetry reads like prose right now which isn't necessarily bad, but with this structure I am not quite sure what you are going for. In addition, cutting down the line length might help you economize the language a little better. Look to say what you mean to say in as many lines as you have here, but see if you can cut them all in half. The resulting poem might be there, it might not, but if for nothing else, it will be a good exercise in economization.

Originally Posted by Squalid Glass

My first suggestion is to shorten your lines. Your poetry reads like prose right now which isn't necessarily bad, but with this structure I am not quite sure what you are going for. In addition, cutting down the line length might help you economize the language a little better. Look to say what you mean to say in as many lines as you have here, but see if you can cut them all in half. The resulting poem might be there, it might not, but if for nothing else, it will be a good exercise in economization.

Thank you! I really appreciate it and will exercise in economizing my language. I will reiterate.