Thread: White Stars

There is no moonlight tonight
as I stand
at the base of the mountain
wrapped in mist
knowing I need to ascend
unable to take that first step.

Melted ice, flowing from the top,
floods my mind.
I drown in my own thoughts
sift through the ashes of dreams
still seeking white stars
in the darkness.

I felt this one, shadows. No specific nits or thoughts really. Was a good portrayal of moving forwards.

Thanks very much Caelum

I like the mood here and what you are saying. Like cae, I can feel it. My only nits are that I think there are too many ing's here, for such a short piece. This may only be a personal dislike and may not bother others at all, so take it with a pinch of salt, as they say. I like the more immediate feel when it's written as below:

There is no moonlight tonight
I stand
at the base of the mountain
wrapped in mist
knowing I need to ascend
unable to take that first step.

ice melts flow from the top
flood my mind.
I drown in my own thoughts
sift through an avalanche of dreams
still seeking white stars
in the darkness.

Thanks Gumby. I must learn to irradicate some of those -ings

edited a bit, hope it is better.

The poem sounds really fluid, and really serene. I honestly felt this short poem, reminds me of the times when I go hiking up the mountains of Laguna in the Philippines during dusk. Ah, memories.

I find it an honor in reading this short but meaningful text. Thanks!

Good description of that strength that seems to come from within when we are compelled along a journey knowing that even the destination may be difficult to deal with. We've all faced that in life. Nice sense of peace and acceptance at the end. It reminds me of that feeling of perspective I get when I sit by the ocean listening to the water & looking at the stars. It's an obvious metaphor that has been used countless times before but you've put your own stamp on it.

Oh yes, you cleaned it up wonderfully! I think it packs more of a punch now, than before. Changing avalanche to ashes has given it a more poignant feel. Well done, shadows.