Thread: Pigeons on the Platform

They look like
clusters of frozen grapes
strung out on a vine.

Scavenging
scraps
from trash bins
must beat
the flight from
even the meanest
pigeon's wings.

Some are so fat their breast
almost swallows their head.
All puff out their chest.
They expect a medal
for their hustle.

Another day down; time to congregate
under the sun on Berwyn and share tales
of close calls with taxis or stray pitbulls
and brag about breadcrumb feasts.

The heatlamp is home.
Humans are guests
that rest their feet
and receding necks
between rides
there and back.

For a pigeon it's all the same:
A great place to stop flying
and defrost your achy wings.


Note: I am concerned about the enjambment. Do the line breaks make or break the flow?

I really like the strong first verse and I would have liked the focus to stay on the place where they are all hanging out, see it but I don't really know where they are.

A few other thoughts, just my opinion so use or ignore as you wish.

They look like
clusters of frozen grapes
strung out on a vine. ...great image of the birds, though why frozen?

Scavenging
scraps
from trash bins
must beat
the flight from
even the meanest
pigeon's wings. ....I feel this verse tells rather than shows and I would stay with the image of the birds on the vine

Some are so fat their breast
almost swallows their head.
All puff out their chest. ...I think it should be chests
They expect a medal
for their hustle.

Another day down; time to congregate
under the sun on Berwyn and share tales
of close calls with taxis or stray pitbulls
and brag about breadcrumb feasts.

The heatlamp is home.
Humans are guests
that rest their feet
and receding necks
between rides
there and back. ....not sure about the need for this verse

For a pigeon it's all the same:
A great place to stop flying
and defrost your achy wings.

Thanks for the thoughts Shadows. The pigeons are frozen because it is winter. I do not believe that showing is inherently better than telling, but I can appreciate that others do. It just isn't something that concerns me. You are probably right about chests. The second to last stanza is essential. I will get rid of "and receding necks" for the sake of brevity. Why did you find yourself questioning that stanza? Wording in the final stanza was carefully chosen to draw a comparison between the pigeons and people who both share a spot under the lamp. "All the same" might be too clunky. Do you have a replacement that might retain the spirit of the conclusion?

Again, your comments are very helpful.

I think this stanza would work better if you just omitted the last line:

The heatlamp is home.
Humans are guests
that rest their feet
and receding necks
between rides
there and back.

I got the snapshot image of people resting on benches on the platform, with heads stretched back resting on the back of the bench so for that reason I think 'and receding necks' worked. I think it also conveyed a similarity of posture between pigeons & people in this kind of exaggerated pose. This similarity worked well in drawing a contrast too because while this is a brief 'downtime' for the people, it's a customary posture for the pigeon.
For me, 'there and back' suggested that this place was the destination for the people. If it was omitted there would be a stronger suggestion of them just passing through.

Loved the imagery of the frozen grapes on the vine, I thought it conveyed the point very well.

They look like
clusters of frozen grapes
strung out on a vine.--------- love this image, Edge, perfect

Scavenging
scraps
from trash bins
must beat
the flight from
even the meanest
pigeon's wings.---------------- like this a lot, too. So descriptive of pigeon activity

Some are so fat their breast
almost swallows their head.
All puff out their chest.
They expect a medal
for their hustle.--------------- another great description of pigeon activity

Another day down; time to congregate
under the sun on Berwyn and share tales
of close calls with taxis or stray pitbulls
and brag about breadcrumb feasts.

The heatlamp is home.
Humans are guests
that rest their feet
and receding necks
between rides
there and back.---------------I too, like the image of people perched like pigeons

For a pigeon it's all the same:
A great place to stop flying
and defrost your achy wings.

I didn't stumble over any of your enjambments here, Edge.

Hmm... For me, what works here is the imagery. You write with a paintbrush, which is powerful, especially that first stanza. My issue is the exposition. I think if it were lost, and only images remained, we might get a stronger picture here. Of course, that may just be me, but it might be fun to try it and see what comes of it.

Thanks Gumby.

I've done a rewrite. You might find it to be an improvement, Squalid and Jane. I edited the problem stanza and added more imagery, but retained the bluntness of the conclusion. 'Cause I like it.

Here it is.

They look like
clusters of frozen grapes
strung out on a vine.

Some are so fat a massive breast
almost swallows their head.
All of their chests are puffed
and they expect a medal
for their hustle.


One pecks at frostbite,
another coos about
breadcrumb feasts.
Others brag about
how accurately
they can drop their
shit on the street.

Scavenging
scraps
from trash bins
must beat
the flight from
even the meanest
pigeon's wings.

Survival in winter
is no mean feat.
Even the toughest pigeon
races to earn a spot
under the heat.

Another day down;
time to meet at the train
on Berwyn and tell tales
of close calls with taxis
skyscrapers and stray dogs.

Pigeon heaven in winter hell
is in the bosom of the lamp.

Humans are only guests
ambling in and out to relieve
their frozen feet and heads
before the ride pulls them away
and for a pigeon it's the same;
an oasis to rest from flying
and defrost your achy wings.

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Thanks Gumby.

I've done a rewrite. You might find it to be an improvement, Squalid and Jane. I edited the problem stanza and added more imagery, but retained the bluntness of the conclusion. 'Cause I like it.

Here it is.

They look like
clusters of frozen grapes
strung out on a vine. ----- I like how you omitted pigeons

Some are so fat a massive breast
almost swallows their head.
All of their chests are puffed
and they expect a medal ----- I liked the way you stated this before better. I prefer the whimsical thought to solid fact.
for their hustle.


One pecks at frostbite,
another coos about
breadcrumb feasts. ----- I like how you add characters here, it adds depth.
Others brag about
how accurately
they can drop their
shit on the street. ----- Hm, I don't know if I like this. The rest of the poem is so much more beautiful that I feel that the comical relief simply negates the value. (just a thought)

Scavenging
scraps
from trash bins
must beat
the flight from
even the meanest
pigeon's wings. ----- Again, I like the way you stated this the first time better. I'm tripping over the line breaks a bit.

Survival in winter
is no mean feat. ----- Repetition of mean
Even the toughest pigeon you just said even the meanest pigeon, pick one place for the phrase
races to earn a spot
under the heat.

Another day down;
time to meet at the train ----- I like this
on Berwyn (this is where I stop liking it) and tell tales
of close calls with taxis
skyscrapers and stray dogs. Its too much of a list, maybe some different enjambment would help.

Pigeon heaven in winter hell Are you positive you want to add religion to this?
is in the bosom of the lamp.

Humans are only guests
ambling in and out to relieve
their frozen feet and heads
before the ride pulls them away
New stanza(?)
and for a pigeon it's the same;
an oasis to rest from flying
and defrost your achy wings.

I like what your getting at here but it's still pretty rough around the edges. A lot of your imagery is great and I agree with you that telling can be as valuable as showing. But in your attempt to make it better you added changed the format and made it longer, I think now is the time to trim a bit. I also love the pigeon=grapes thing. Also, I understood the frozen part right away. I can't wait to read your next revision!

Originally Posted by PrisonerOfPrey

I like what your getting at here but it's still pretty rough around the edges. A lot of your imagery is great and I agree with you that telling can be as valuable as showing. But in your attempt to make it better you added changed the format and made it longer, I think now is the time to trim a bit. I also love the pigeon=grapes thing. Also, I understood the frozen part right away. I can't wait to read your next revision!

Quality critique, Prisoner. I will consider all of your points.

I was hoping to see this trimmed down a bit, and the added length makes it feel a bit unfocused to me. I also agree with Prisoner about the shit line. It felt very out of place.

My other critique would be to look at your enjambment. The poem has a syllabic structure for the most part, but I think you could play with that structure to make the breaks a bit more clean. Hope that makes sense!

Keep with this though. It does have the makings of a very nice little piece of verse. I hope to see the next draft soon.

Thanks again for the suggestions Prisoner. I find they made for a great improvement on the original. Your comments, Squalid, prompted me to tinker with the enjambment and try to make it less ramshackle.

Edit 3.

They look like
clusters of frozen grapes
strung out on a vine.

Some are so fat their breast
almost swallows their head.
All puff out their chest.
They expect a medal
for their hustle.

Scavenging scraps
from trash heaps
beats the flight from
even the meanest
pigeon's wings.

One pecks at frostbite,
another coos about
breadcrumb feasts.
Others brag about
the swagger in the sway
of their beaks.

Survival in winter
is no mean feat.
Even the toughest
pigeon races to earn
a spot under the heat.

Another day down;
time to meet at the station
and unpack tales of close calls
with wind gusts and stray dogs.

In the bosom of the lamp
humans are only guests,
ambling in and out to relieve
their frozen feet and heads
before the ride pulls them away;

For a pigeon it's the same.
An oasis to rest from flying
and defrost your achy wings.

S3 still reads choppy to me still, I feel like it needs a few more syllables. And I think that S5 can be ommited entirely. Other then those two crits though, I like this very much. I really like what you did with S4 and S6!

I see others have had trouble with the enjambment in the old fourth stanza, but Edge I see it as a good representation of the behaviour of the pigeon itself. Impulsive, jumpy and without direction. Though of course the stanza doesn't have this as a negative problem, the enjambment helps shows how a pigeon takes two steps forward, spins, then continues the other way. I don't think you need to get rid of it if you highlight this in the language.