Thread: Mind the Help

Fear accompanies men who are unceasingly polite.
Beneath the polish of reflex lies the nasty tang of hate.
Like social mousetraps they snap at friends they do not have.
In private screams and braying accompany defeat.
That don’t escape the public lips sheen of discipline.
It isn’t the quiet ones who shake the world,
But those who are content to smile to your face,
yet smile more readily strangling you in their dreams.

In private screams and braying accompany defeat.

This line doesn't sit quite right with me. should it be defeats? I don't understand why there is a period after this line either.

I do like your opening line a lot though. I think this piece could benefit from a little more concrete images.

Good Work

I agree with Svir. That line doesn't fit (and makes no grammatical sense anyway). It's as if you started to write a poem with a political message (deceptive politicians) and at some point switched over to writing about social duplicity. The former is definitely a worthwhile subject and imo doesn't get written about enough. You covered it well enough despite the ambiguity.

It isn’t the quiet ones who shake the world,
But those who are content to smile to your face,
yet smile more readily strangling you in their dreams. I dig. Powerful image.

A couple of suggestions. The piece is dense. Snip out a few superfluous words. Rather than pack as much as you possibly can into a single line, try to economize with your language. Not only will this make it easier for you to fine tune the flow (the poem already has so-so flow; it could be even tighter), but the ideas you want to convey to the reader will become much clearer when the essential thoughts do not have to compete with the fluff. Examples:

Beneath the polish of reflex lies the nasty tang of hate. Does "nasty" add anything to what the line already says? Isn't hate inherently ugly and distasteful?

That don’t escape the public lips sheen of discipline. What do you mean by "sheen"? Aside from the grammatical issues surrounding the placement of that word, why doesn't "That don't escape the public lips of discipline" work on its own?

yet smile more readily strangling you in their dreams. I think what you meant was "smile yet more readily". If that is true, than you do not need "yet" at all, because "more readily" already conveys the idea of a hidden, sinister, yet somehow more honest, smile lurking behind the friendly facade.

Trimmed, this has the potential to be a cool piece. Hope you find these comment to be at least somewhat helpful.

Thank you for your kind suggestions. Forgive the latency of my reply.

Mind The Help

Fear accompanies men who are unceasingly polite.
Beneath the reflexive polish lies the tang of hate.
Social mousetraps they snap in private screams.
Loosing to anxiety, they relent the discipline of public lips.
It is not the quiet ones who shake the world,
but those who are content to smile and speak politely,
and smile more readily strangling you in dreams.

I think that this is good

I like it. The last line, I think, has the most impact on me.

This piece is so relate able (is that a word? lol), I really love the revision. It is clear and precise and easily understood yet has powerful imagery. I have no suggestions. Great work.