Thread: "I long for the ocean"

This is a pretty recent piece, ripe for any kinds of critique or discussion.

**-**-**-**
I long for the ocean,
but will never know it,
even with surf
rushing my ankles,
and sand in my toes.
I can smell salt in the air,
and hear whispers of peace
or violence,
but I'll never know the ocean,
or the land,
like my father.


As a child, pushing his fingers
into cold mud to snatch out
meat-filled coins,
which his father then drank away;
a story I once heard. I don't recall
he ever complained of his father.


My future has never relied
on the tides, nor hung
from the whim of the clouds.


I've never pulled meals
from the dark sea's belly,
nor trembled
when it demands some return.


I am to the sea only an observer.
When its fury crashes around me
and shaking I fall to my knees,
it's only awe that draws me.

You've captured the wonderment and curiosity for the generations that have proceeded you really well. The imagery is wonderful. You've made the sea into almost a beast like, conscious entity with the lines:

"I've never pulled meals
from the dark sea's belly,"

I also particularly like these lines:

"My future has never relied
on the tides, nor hung
from the whim of the clouds."

I would love to see what you could do with this if you explored that idea further. That is, the fact that your father was owned by the demanding sea and the erratic weather. Also, I think that you only need to mention not knowing the ocean once in the first stanza, or perhaps choose a different combination of words. Might be a bit more powerful that way.

Overall, this is a really beautiful piece of work. Well done!

This is a dynamic poem. My only problem is that the flow is compromised slightly by the different format of each of the line groups. It is as if you created a small grouping of poems rather than one cohesive story. This is something my mind is rather good at but not my pen. Was it your intent or were you hoping to deliver something with more singular meaning?

By the way beautiful. I'm a land lubber who happens to dream of the sea.