Thread: Hungry: Searching for a Subject

Hungry: Searching for a Subject


The page is waiting
for my next move
and I want her to be beautiful.
I want her to be every girl
I’ve ever looked at,
broken down, and then dreamed;

she has to be overflowing
in the whitespace,
like a pot of boiling pasta
—a foaming memory
formed from a combination
of electric heat and starches.

Her written image,
dressed in black and white,
might sustain me for a week
before I update her fashion
with what the new season
has to offer.

A splash of color in her eyes,
a fringy haircut to hide them,
but no matter how she changes,
she has to be mine;
and when I share her
she must remain mine.

hmm...

I like the poem

namely this stanza

she has to be overflowing
in the whitespace,
like a pot of boiling pasta
—a foaming memory
formed from a combination
of electric heat and starches.

i would buy this poem and others like it...

Thank you very much

This is beautiful. I always have trouble writing about writing, and this metaphor is perfect. I do like the image of the pasta very much, and the last two lines speak loads about the question of meaning in language. A very well thought out piece indeed. Ha, and the line "might sustain me for a week" might be wishful thinking.

Squalid Glass said it well, the metaphor is perfect and works wonderfully here. Great work Svir.

What a solid and vivid piece! Thank you very much for the good read. I actually had to read this over a few times before I could start picking up on anything that would be useful critique.

The page is waiting
for my next move
and I want her to be beautiful.
I want her to be every girl
I’ve ever looked at (seen),
broken down, and then dreamed;

-I wonder how deleting the bold words (and replacing "looked at") might affect the pace. I feel like this might add more movement to the reading. Also, do you want to use "broken down" when it also has connotations (albeit subtle) of violence or disrepair?

she has to be overflowing
in the whitespace,
like a pot of boiling pasta
—a foaming memory
formed from a combination
of electric heat and starches.

-Jaw dropping. I salute you.

Her written image,
dressed in black and white,
might sustain me for a week
before I update her fashion
with what the new season
has to offer.

-In this stanza, each line seems to speak separately and identically. It feels kind of mechanical. I think that if you condense the final three lines, this feeling might get put down. Considering that this might just be my own hang-up, I also think that condensing at least the last two lines would benefit the piece anyway.

A splash of color in her eyes,
a fringy haircut to hide them,
but no matter how she changes,
she has to be mine;
and when I share her
she must remain mine.

-Because of the necessity and demand of "must remain mine," I think you should say in the third-to-last line "she is mine" or "she is only mine" or something else less demanding than "has to be." This way the feeling of possession stays soft until you make the proclamation: She must remain mine.

Like I said at the start, I thought this piece very vivid and it was a very pleasant read.

Thank you for your comments and critiques! I'll edit this and see how it comes out.

I really like way you've described creating a character in a story and how you imagine her.

A few thoughts, just my way of looking at words.

The page is waiting
for my next move
and I want her to be beautiful.
I want her to be every girl ...you could delete "I want her"
I’ve ever looked at,
broken down, and then dreamed;

she has to be overflowing ...instead of "to be overflowing" you could say "she has to overflow in whitespace"
in the whitespace,
like a pot of boiling pasta ...I know everyone else loves this line but for me it feels at odds with the sensuality of the perfect girl.
—a foaming memory ....love the foaming memory
formed from a combination ....you could delete this line. The next line shows the combination. This it would be "a foaming memory of electric heat and starches.
of electric heat and starches.

Her written image,
dressed in black and white, ...love how you describe her written down
might sustain me for a week
before I update her fashion
with what the new season
has to offer.

A splash of color in her eyes,
a fringy haircut to hide them,
but no matter how she changes,
she has to be mine; ...I think you could delete this line. The repetiton isn't needed. Thus it would read
"but no matter how she changes
when I share her
she must remain mine."

and when I share her
she must remain mine.

Thanks for the read, enjoyed.

I second all of Shadows's opinions, except for the boiling pot of pasta (yes, it is an odd image compared to the rest - but it's so immediately visual and vivid). Also, I'm not sure how much I stand behind the opinion of the third-to-last line. I do agree that something else should be done with it, but I'm not sure that just snipping out the line would solve it.

before I update her fashion
with what the new season
has to offer.

This, for me, was simply epic. So visual, so... clear. A very fine job on this one.

I love the sensuality of this, the tension in the relationship between the writer and the writing, the epic potential of every new piece. The possessiveness of the writer comes through so well, the poem conveys that struggle we have of wanting to keep our writing to ourselves but also needing to see how others react to it. Although I like the description of the pasta I dont think it fits in with the rest of the piece. I would be tempted to use that in a different poem, as a metaphor in itself.

Thank you all for your input and suggestions! I'll work on this and post the edit.