Thread: Proud Land (Warning: Racial controversy)

[ Deleted ]

I really would like some feedback on this before it becomes buried beneath the other voices.

Well constructed. It reminds me of Oi! (a genre of British working-class punk music, for the uninitiated).

YouTube - Cock Sparrer - Get a rope

Your poem seems to perfectly encapsulate the jackbooted, skinheaded, violent British-chauvinist type. It's a colorful image brought to life. But it sure as sh*t isn't a pleasant image with pleasant politics. Maybe that's why nobody has commented.

I should mention that I personally consider xenophobes and nationalists to be tragically misinformed, if not delusional, at best and at worst incredibly destructive. The poem is still a good character sketch.

Well, I've got bans in here for what I would say was less provocative than this piece... I hope you don't mind me asking if you are the actual voice or if you're just doing some sketch?

Anyway, to comment on the content, I think the well structured and cared for poetic tone doesn't go well with the lack of depth. And by that I mean there's no substance in it; it's purely statements, calls to action and sorta threats being summed up without any proper reasoning.

This feels like a very surface level piece, but I guess Varg would be proud...

I felt this poem took smouldering issues and predjudices and presented it like a one-voiced solution, almost like the anthem or pledge of a small minded group of thugs on the prowl to take care of business. Ideas that are rabid and dangerous and thoughtless of humanity, but in the name of their country soil. To me it expressed very well the danger of that boiling pot. I don't think it needed to go deeper. I thought it worked. I could feel the pulse. AS I read I felt the narrator was actually scorning these self righteous, mavolent thinkers.

Hm, either this really is shallow or else the lack of depth is in itself a representation of the superficiality and ignorance inherent in the views it appears to express. I am not convinced that they are actually the views of the poet, therefore I'm of the opinion that the apparent lack of depth is an implicit expression of disagreement with the explicitly expressed opinions outlined.

I'd like to clarify that the views of the poem in no way represent my own. On the contrary, it's a slander of a very shameless minority that wishes for such 'ethnic purity'.

Edgewise: It can be true that a blunt message produces a clear image. I was hoping that would be the case here, and so I'm glad you thought it encapsulated the groups of people the poem criticises. You made an interesting point about the pleasant politics (if such a thing exists), and this is indeed an unpleasant topic to handle. Nevertheless, it's one I felt I needed to handle, and so I did so. I just have to hope it isn't too controversial. Thank you for the feedback.

Martin: As I've said, the poem doesn't represent my views in any way. I have to admit that I didn't put a lot of chair into the structure of the poem; the stanzas were made as I wrote it, and I liked them kept that way. The lack of depth could come from the language, which is not a voice I usually take on when writing. The lack of description or pondering phrases that I usually include is intentional, I assure you. However, I see I've had a few comments about the shallowness of the poem, so maybe it's something I need to adapt. Thanks for the advice, Martin!

SvirVolgate: As I've said to Martin, the lack of depth is quite intentional, and the views are not my own. Thanks for the input.

apple: I'm glad the depth worked for you, apple, and the tone acted as I had hoped it would. But now I have conflicting views: go deeper, or leave it? I'll have to decide. Thanks for the comment, apple.

Jane Martin: I'm glad you've understood the intentional lack of depth, and it's purpose. However, the fact you had to choose between the two possibilities is worrying for me, especially with Martin's earlier comment (and Svir Volgate's). Perhaps I should try to make it clear that I either oppose the poem, or make the depth very obviously shallow to the point of exaggeration... Thank you for your input, Jane.

I was far from convinced it was your opinions there, and it's cool others saw through it. I just couldn't find a clue as to how to see this. Maybe a more brutish tone and some intentional spelling errors (sorry, prejudiced stereotyping here) would close it better.

Another question, what exactly do you want to achieve with the poem? What is your motivation for writing it?

I too, was able to tell that this wasn't your views, but that you were speaking of a certain 'type'. But to be honest, you may have described them too well, as I was put off by the whole thing. So, I think that says you did it well, Nick.