Thread: I first noticed you...

I first noticed you
as I was searching for a parachute.

I was helicoptering to earth
like a seed pod dropped from the deck,
like a one-winged bird pecking
at the edge of a deep canyon.

I saw ground in your eyes.
I saw great piles of dirt—
dirt enough to bury the very concept of falling.
I saw fire extinguishers in the way you moved.

I sensed that loving you
might grab like an airbag,
push back the fact that I had accelerated
until the speed limit looked like pennies
until all my thoughts caught like bugs on the grill
drugs shot for the thrill,
like a soul sold for a pill.

I sensed that loving you
might resemble a hammock rocked slow
by a jungle breeze in Puerto Rico,
might sound like wind-flapping sails
look like flower-scattered trails,
like an hour napping in a blanket fort
and other sorts of rejecting adrenaline injection.

I first noticed you
as I was searching for a fire escape.

I couldn’t find it.

Instead, I found that loving you could go
like busting a parking brake in San Francisco.
I found that lightspeed
has a need.

might resemble a hammock rocked slow
by a jungle breeze in Puerto Rico,
might sound like wind-flapping sails
look like flower-scattered trails,

I really like the way the rhythm builds in this part

like an hour napping in a blanket fort
and other sorts of rejecting adrenaline injection.

My immediate reaction was "No, adrenaline injection rejection" and then I started thinking "Ways of, means of, forms of?" . It's good but it didn't grab me as much as the previous quartet. I rather like the rhyming - non rhyming, I am starting to think about ways of using that as a marker.

A thought, the last couplet brings you back to speed, why not streamline it?
that lightspeed
has need

I would reiterate what Olly has said about this part

'and other sorts of rejecting adrenaline injection.'

& also about the final couplet. I loved this part:

'I sensed that loving you
might grab like an airbag,'

I really liked the idea that the notion could be so arresting, it really captured the impact of the idea.

Olly,

thank you for the suggestions. i'm working on an edit now. i'll post it when it's complete.


Jane Martin,

thanks for reading and commenting.

Ben

The imagery in this one caught me, and I very much enjoyed it. I must agree with the others on the adrenaline line, it made me stumble too. Other than that, a wonderful read Achilles.

Here's a quick edit. I touched up all the parts that were mentioned. Thanks for the great suggestions, ya'll.



I first noticed you
as I was searching for a parachute.

I was helicoptering to earth
like a seed pod dropped from the deck
like a one-winged bird pecking
at the edge of a deep canyon.

I saw ground in your eyes.
I saw great piles of dirt—
dirt enough to bury the very concept of falling.
I saw fire extinguishers in the way you moved.

I sensed that loving you
might grab like an airbag
push back the fact that I had accelerated
until the speed limit looked like pennies
until all my thoughts caught like bugs on the grill
drugs shot for the thrill
like a soul sold for a pill.

I sensed that loving you
might resemble a hammock rocked slow
by a jungle breeze in Puerto Rico
might sound like wind-flapping sails
look like flower-scattered trails
like an hour napping in a blanket fort
and other sorts of passive rejection
of adrenaline injection.

I first noticed you
as I was searching for a fire escape.

I couldn’t find it.

Instead, I found that loving you could go
just like busting a parking brake in San Francisco.
I found that lightspeed
has need.

I like this so much. The imagery is wonderful, unusual, very masculine, yet tender. i loved the immediacy of the poem. I wonder, tho, if you need the "I couldn't find it" The next stanza infers as much. Really good work.

'I saw fire extinguishers in the way you moved.' --- I dont think this line fits well. Otherwise, I think the edit is a good job.

I like this, very nice writing. You have given the reader a lot of movement to consider, which I think is always good in poetry. The mind easily follows your descriptions, great metaphor in several lines.

The opening lines are fantastic.

It can use some smoother thoughts, but you'll find them in time. Overall, great work.

BW

I like the metaphorical style of this. I do however agree with BWOz about the smoother thoughts.

It is way better than most love poems.

I was helicoptering to earth
like a seed pod dropped from the deck,
like a one-winged bird pecking
at the edge of a deep canyon.

Loved that.