Thread: Checklist (Warning: two no-no words)

Today I stretched my neck around
a corner; the door cut off my head.

Find a job
they said.
I checked.
They checked
my enthusiasm
at the door.

Dusted off the gloves
to bounce and box,
the shadows blocked my jabs.
You can't win 'em all.
Forgot the rules,
so I double-checked
their dirty steps.

Saw a checklist
and a magnet
on a buddy's
fridge; don't
forget the poems
for your set.

Sat down
for fuck
knows what
attempt
(this one'll be legit):

Had rhythm? Yes.
And wordplay? Check.
Forgot to check for imagery.
Neglect was in the wiring.
That poem died by its own electricity.

With program set,
the audience slept
on half an ass
and one hand clapped.

Then I drank
to all these
great upsets.

Checkmate.
Chin up.
Unchecked.

Reality comes through with a bang here:

'Find a job
they said.
I checked.
They checked
my enthusiasm
at the door.'

The title of this one is perfect Edge, as is that ending. You are really starting to nail the endings on your poems wonderfully.

Glad you thought so Jane. It's a b**ch.

Starting, Gumby? Regardless, I'll take the compliment. Danke.

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Glad you thought so Jane. It's a b**ch.

Starting, Gumby? Regardless, I'll take the compliment. Danke.

Perhaps I should have said even more so, I certainly meant it as a compliment.

Another good one Edge. Loved the word play in this.

the shadows blocked my jabs.

Very clever imagery for nothing going your way.

No worries Gumby.

Much appreciated Van.

Great piece - my jealousy rains thick. one comment,

Saw a checklist
and a magnet
on a buddies
fridge; don't
forget the poems
for your set.

"Buddies" should be "buddy's" - it's not multiple buddies, it's one buddy's fridge...
Love the imagery of failure -

With program set,
the audience slept
on half an ass
and one hand clapped.

Really good...

Good catch Fossil. I also have a sweet spot for that stanza.

Now this was rewarding to stumble on this morning. The strong language didn't seem to be out of place ('horses for courses' as one of my writing friends likes to say) and I've got so many favorite parts in the poem that it's almost all a favorite part.

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Today I stretched my neck around
a corner; the door cut off my head.

I've had days like that...

Find a job
they said.
I checked.
They checked
my enthusiasm
at the door.

That happens a lot.

Dusted off the gloves
to bounce and box,
the shadows blocked my jabs.
You can't win 'em all.
Forgot the rules,
so I double-checked
their dirty steps.

There's something about the part I bolded that I really like. The sound and the imagery are really in-sync or something. I'm not a great poet so maybe I'm not expressing it correctly but I like it!

Had rhythm? Yes.
And wordplay? Check.
Forgot to check for imagery.
Neglect was in the wiring.
That poem died by its own electricity.

Easy to see the sorrowful blue spark. Good stanza, sounds like the work of writing a poem for sure.

With program set,
the audience slept
on half an ass
and one hand clapped.

Now that just hurts when you're looking for some enthusiasm.

Then I drank
to all these
great upsets.

Checkmate.
Chin up.
Unchecked.

Great tight ending. Love it, love it, love it. Thanks for a good read, sorry I don't feel like I'm being much help by just enjoying it. :p

"With program set,
the audience slept
on half an ass
and one hand clapped."

I really love this stanza. It sounds great to me.

You've written a really strong poem that I feel like I've almost written many times. Very relatable. Well done

i love you edgewise

great work