Thread: The Overman

A dark room
Perhaps
It is not a room at all

I know my eyes
Are of no use here
Nor my ears
My tongue
My nose
Only my
Mind.

There is a light?
Dim.

Think!
The light brightens.
The light grows.
Walls appear?
Splattered in orange
They disappear.
The horizon collapses.

I am at the edge of the world.
Perched atop cliffs wall
Water crashes
Fighting
Waves, thundering
Capped like snowy mountains

The light is brighter now.
The sky.
The ground. There is a ground.
I am at the edge of the world.

There is only light.
Arms (are these arms?)
Raised to the sky.
Is there a sky?
I am at the edge of the world.

But
I am no longer
Alive.
----


any feedback would be great!

- w. galt

Perched atop cliffs wall

This one line got me confused. Are you saying that it's perched atop a cliff wall, or perched atop the cliff's wall? Revise this a little bit for clarification. The second to last stanza is kind of confusing to me. I get what it's saying, (or what I believe it is saying.) but I believe you can revise this stanza and improve it a little more. Such as, giving a better flow on the confusion of the narrator of the poem, and the noun, or action, that he is stating before the question.

Ex. to the sky I look, or is it a sky at all?

All in all, this is a really good poem and the final verse of it was what made me squeal with glee.

But
I am no longer
Alive.

Thanks for the excellent feedback!

Your definitely right, I hadn't realized the confusion with the "perched atop cliffs wall" until you pointed it out. I like the general sense of confusion thats induced from the remainder of the poem, but it seems this line is simply ambiguous. any suggestions on what to replace it with?

"Perched atop cliff's peak"
"Perched atop cliff's roof"

I think it really just needs a new noun in place of 'wall', though I'm hesitant to use "edge" given its presence throughout the rest of the poem.

Thanks again!

I would say 'cliff' instead of 'cliff's'. What about 'ledge', 'fringe' or just 'top' & change 'atop' to 'upon'?

aye_priori your imagery is reminiscent of some kind of hellish limbo. A lost soul caught between heaven and hell, eternally bound to the place of his or her death.