Thread: Mankind, Edit no. 2

For mankind: to whom is in Debt
A tribute: to the man that is Hollow

Sorrow to the youth, who shall pay.
And to all, that is We.

I

This is the World,
This is the Life.

Why not, that youth
Is the one who shall pay
When they have not
At all a dime?

My way, but what
matters of that?
But of the rich, and
Of the success of the other.

For I write for a Toll,
And you toil for the same,
And all the life it shall be!

This is,
This is,
This is,

But not yours.

World, world,
Life, life...

All the same we do for free,
For the land of the we
And the home of the slave

II

"Poor man, sad man, lone man;
But all that he is youth!

Look, look!
He falls to the ground,
But not one picks him up.

He gets to his own feet,
The man who is youth,
For he knows that salvation
Shall never come..."

III

This is the World,
This is the Life.

Between the work
And the breath,
And the toll
And the death

This is the World,
This is the Life.

Between the children
And their labor,
And the weak
And their burden.

Where the young and the old
Work in the mines;
Where the poet and the author
Create this fire.

This is the World
This is-

IV

I, I, I,
the Forbidden Word.
The cost of Death.

So We work,
So We are the ones
That will die.

Not the person,
But the majority;
Not the man,
But the race.

For who is the world,
but only for They?
What is life,
when the end is only that
of a Mass Grave?

V

This is the End,
This is the Death.

For gales cry:
To man, death!
For The Door

_APPROACHES!

The young and the old,
First to pay their Debt.

This is how the World ends:
With a Fall, with a Toll!

And not a cry shall be heard....

Final breath

I fall with my Debt...
to ease with the others.

For this is the world,
this is the--

Death

The Door,
___ Approaches!
It's time to pay the fee!

For the women and
The children, for the
Infant and the elder.

For none are the difference,
All shall be all!
For this is The Grave,
This is The Death.

This is the,
For all that enter
Shall

This is the end
This is the end
This is the end

For ashes, ashes, we all go down....

I think that the formatting of this one doesn't work in it's favor bearycool. Having to jump all over the page to read it, makes it very hard to stay in the poem and absorb what is being said. In other words, it is distracting.

All the same we do for free:
for the land of the we
and the home of the slave

I liked this stanza, it jumped out at me and stuck with me.

I agree with Cindy, the formatting serves to distract the reader and pulls one out of the piece. It is a bit longish, and I think you could easily remove some of the repetition without lessening the impact, but that is just my opinion. And I know toll is very important, but the word is used a bit too much, perhaps another in its stead? Again, only my opinion. I very much like the message, especially the stanza Cindy cited, very clever, that, Beary.


Best,
Lisa

Thank you for the advice. I deleted unneeded repetition, and change some of the toll words with debt, and fee. I've also moved the stanza back to the left, save for the first one at the very top.

Much easier to read and stay in, now. I like this and the feeling you are creating here. You definitely have a style that is all your own, and I will be coming back to this one, like an intriguing puzzle.

Originally Posted by Gumby

Much easier to read and stay in, now. I like this and the feeling you are creating here. You definitely have a style that is all your own, and I will be coming back to this one, like an intriguing puzzle.

Thanks, and I hope to see more feedback from you on this, and others

Really interesting poem. It has a lot of meat to it and has so many different things to it. I wish to have the time to fully understand it, but I don't. I hope you can give an explaintion about this poem sometime, whenever you're able to.

I think it would read better if there was a bit less repetition, especially because it's a long poem. I know it's important in places but I think it's impact would actually be increased if you cut it back a bit, particularly your repetition of 'this is'. Format changes are a definite improvement

Originally Posted by Jane Martin

I think it would read better if there was a bit less repetition, especially because it's a long poem. I know it's important in places but I think it's impact would actually be increased if you cut it back a bit, particularly your repetition of 'this is'. Format changes are a definite improvement

Thank you for the response. I could cut back a little on the repetition on this is. I'll be looking into it and deciding which ones to omit.