Thread: The Sound and The Echo

This is written to be spoken so I'm not sure whether it'll make sense written down but I'll give it a go. This was written on my phone in a nightclub. It made sense at the time.


She says she’ll be two ticks
and in 2 ticks she is gone
abscond, to somewhere
a little more slick.
So in the smooth of the
brylcreeme
and in the depths of the
daydream,
she slides to somewhere
a little more sick.
She hides behind her invention
and in the dark never mentions
the shudders and shadows
that hold her to those that
love her and mould her.
And while the thudding’s beginning
and the dancefloor is spinning
as he music evolves
and the colours dissolve
and tick follows tock
follows tick follows tock,
everything’s colder.
Closing down.
But there’s one thing she’s found.
2 ticks is a lifeline.
And in a beat there’s a lifetime.
This is all just a flicker
so you need to learn to let go,
else you’ll waste your life
trapped between the sound and the echo.

Very enjoyable read, Indigo! Loved the rhythym and the interspersed rhymes. Also appreciated the thought and detailed context of that thought.

Particularly powerful way to describe the moment - 'between the sound and the echo'. To be trapped there is a horror indeed, yet such a temptation, especially in the days of our youth when the pursuit of the delicious yet momentary sensations (regardless of their implications on our life as a whole and those that love us and mould us) can sometimes consume us.

A small typo: 'as he music evolves' -> 'as the music evolves'

Thanks very much for the post. Loved this.

I truly like and get what you're saying here Indigo, wonderful. I can see where being in a nightclub inspired you, and you did a great job of capturing the moment and the feeling. Lots of good lines that are imaginative and expressive.

I think it could benefit by stanza's, but I also like the way it feels more hurried and frantic without them, so I'm not 100% sure of that.
I do think it would read stronger if you cut out the last part and ended like this.

She says she’ll be two ticks
and in 2 ticks she is gone
abscond, to somewhere
a little more slick.

So in the smooth of the
brylcreeme
and in the depths of the
daydream,
she slides to somewhere
a little more sick.

She hides behind her invention
and in the dark never mentions
the shudders and shadows
that hold her to those that
love her and mould her.

And while the thudding’s beginning
and the dancefloor is spinning
as he music evolves
and the colours dissolve
and tick follows tock
follows tick follows tock,
everything’s colder.
Closing down;

trapped between the echo and the sound.

I enjoyed this tremendously, Indigo, even out of the club and off of the phone, it makes perfect sense. I'm huge fan of aural quality and you've duly sated this beast. Normally, I would have preferred stanzas, but as Cindy mentioned, this one just may work better without them. My only nit was your use of 2 in lieu of two, for me they're sticking out like sore thumbs and are distracting. But, since it was written in your phone, and that's the way of the text message, you may prefer to retain them as such. Again, much enjoyed, I hope to see more from you soon.

Best,
Lisa