Thread: Dancing In The Sun

So full of light
But keeper of the dark
How unique
Her beauty is inside
Hidden from the world
But for one that doesn’t matter
He sees her as a flower
But I can see him
I’m standing around
So he won’t pick that flower
Not yet
She is still growing
I can see the flower too
Blooming up and up
Not quite there
She is still growing
I can see how she dances in the wind
Smiling and smiling
I feel the warmth of the sun
When I see her twirl
But she will soon know
That the sun goes away
Happiness will end
I am no long a flower like her
Daydreaming a world that isn’t true
But she is still dancing in the sun
Hopefully a boy won’t pull her from her home
From the sun
From the world that is good
Her mind is crazy
Wondering around
But that mind is keeping her alive
Keeping her a flower
Just dancing in the sun

Hi Glouii, and welcome. I can tell that you love poetry, me too. Though I get what you're saying here, I think it could stand a trimming of the fat, or unnecessary words. This almost feels like reading a story instead of a poem, because there is too much information given. For poetry to succeed, it needs to leave room for the readers imagination to be sparked into life and engaged.

This is just an example of what I mean, I've taken the first part of your poem and cut out a lot of words, but tried to leave the 'feeling' of what you were saying. Please don't think that I'm saying this is exactly how you should write it, it has to come from you and what you are trying to say.

These thirty one words:

So full of light
But keeper of the dark
How unique
Her beauty is inside
Hidden from the world
But for one that doesn’t matter
He sees her as a flower

cut down to sixteen:

Full of light, keeper of dark,
unique,
her beauty hidden.
No matter-
he sees a flower.

If you can read lots of good published poetry, you will begin to see what I mean. The really good poets make every word count to give as much impact as possible, and craft them in such a way that your imagination just flies.