Thread: Only A Dream

To look at you makes me weak

Trembling over your smile

Wanting so much to be yours

If only I felt you caring

Feeling your love

But knowing it is only a fairytale

She has taken you away

While my rotting heart screams your name

Wishing it was me you loved

Trying to make the pain end

But always getting caught

Yet you are still in my dreams

Just not in my life

You ran away from me

And from what could have been us.

Hope to hear some criticism. I want to become a better writer. Thankss everyonee

First, I'm a little confused by the formatting. Is the current style intentional/significant? I'd hate to pick on something that's sometimes so petty, but it felt a bit disjointed, especially since it's the beginning of the piece.

I don't mean to take away from any emotions you've drawn from to write this, but there was nothing I could really bite into and so I was removed from any feeling you may have wished to impart to a reader. Now, I know the general sentiment is something many people share, but I couldn't empathize.

My advice would be to look at how many times you use "you[r]" and "me/my" in this piece, as sometimes their overuse can detract from any potential you've built. Working around that, you can bring more vividity (that's a word, right?) to give readers something they can grab a hold of.

Heartache can be a good motivator, but don't let it suffocate your writing. Thanks for sharing.

I thought it was pretty good but for me a poem has to be either on the left of the screen, on the right of the screen, or in the centre of the screen

Trying to make the pain end
But always getting caught

I don't quite get that part.

I dont know y its structured like that I wrote it in 'Word" and copy/ pasted it and it turned out looking like that it originally was onm the right side of the page. It was from a teenagers point of veiw and that line symbolized cutting