Thread: no longer a matryishka

Edited version

feeling my way across a pitch black room
my hands confirm what I’d expected,
like listening in one language
while thinking in another,
until they find something unfamiliar
and like a fly explore the smoothness
of what at first
is a dome-topped box … then a butter press…
then a polished missile …
but still it’s left to light’s quick switch
to translate the mystery
into a Russian doll I’ve had for years.


Original version


feeling my way across a pitch black room
my hands confirm what I’d expected
(like listening in one language
whilst thinking in another)
until they find something unfamiliar;
then more distant things come to mind.
but still it’s left to light’s quick switch
to translate the mystery
into a Russian doll I’ve had for years.

Your style of hinting at metaphors through common real life scenarios succeeds particularly well in this instance. In general the idea works really well, that any reader easily can relate to what is happening yet the following abstraction and transliteration is more or less left open... at least that's what I think you're doing...

To me this piece speaks of our dependence on circumstances to define the world around us.

I was a little confused as to what was the title of the piece? I think the thread title was better than "a displaced object". It adds to the metaphor, that the object itself is kinda a mystery (the Russian doll). Where as, IMO, "a displaced object" doesn't really add anything!

Enjoyed this Firebird.

Hi Firebird,

I really like the idea behind this. It reminds me of 'thing theory' (yeah, there's a theory for everything, huh?) which is basically Bill Brown suggesting that when the common perception of an object is renewed, when it is defamiliarised or misperceived or its function changes – for example using a pen as a screwdriver, or looking at a painting upside down, or wondering what to do with a pair of shoes once their owner has passed away and being hit by their very ‘shoeness,’ or even as in your poem, feeling the object with your hands as opposed to being able to see it – an object transcends into a thing, and takes on a heightened sense of itself.

'Russian doll' made me laugh too, although I'm not sure if it was intended or not. Most probably not and I just read too much lit crit. Anyway because the whole poem is pretty much an example of early Russian Formalism, with 'Art as Technique' arguing that art should defamiliarise the world around us, the 'Russian doll' just seems to somehow toy with the association of 'Russian' Formalism in my mind. But I digress.

So I really like the idea, but, I think you could do loads more with it. I just find it a little pedestrian in its current state. You could expand on the 'find something unfamiliar' - maybe even describing the feel of it, how your perceptions work more slowly in this darkened room. The light switching on would then be snappier and more of a revelation. I do like the 'like listening in one language/whilst thinking in another' and the end 'that I've had for years' is important too, ie. habitualised perceptions completely overturned.

Thanks for the read,
-R

I too liked this one a lot Firebird. The title 'no longer a matryoshka' added a level to the poem that's lacking in the title 'a displaced object', unless you meant that to be the first line? Anyways, I liked the element of layering that the idea of a matryoshka added.

Martin, thank you for your perceptive comments. Much appreciated.

Rainhands, I'm not that familiar with Russian Formalism, but I did read a lot of Anna Akhmatova when a student (a long time ago now), so maybe a little rubbed off on me. Thank you for your advice - I have tried to implement some of it in my edited version. See what you think. I'm not sure if it really works this way though.

Gumby, thank you for your generous words, as usual.

Love,

Firebird

"(like listening in one language
whilst thinking in another)" - This really makes me pause when I read this. You may not need the parenthesis either.

"resurface." - Hmmm?

"but still it’s left to light’s quick switch" - At first I thought this should have been changed. But it has a kind of quirky rhythm to it, which I love. I keep reading it over and over.

Marvelous work. I think this poem works out to be quite content with itself. If that makes any sense. That's it I guess. See you in Valhalla.

Your use of metaphor is smooth and natural. I don't believe the parentheses are necessary either. The lines seem to follow as part of the piece. I'm not big on 'whilst'. Usually when I come across 'whilst' I will stop, because after that I am expecting 'thee' and 'thou' and 'ere', but it didn't happen that way here. The edited version is much better and is much more visual oweing to the addition of the tactile exploring. Gently done.

Enjoyed this as well Firebird, with its fresh discovery and renewed appreciation of previously forgotten or discarded experiences and the objects we associate with them. Fumbling around in the dark is a very relatable feeling, as is the moment of sudden illumination and the joy of new insight and understanding.

Thanks.

I think the original version is better. The sensing additions in the edit are completely unnecessary for the metaphor to succeed in its 'openness'! Like the sensing description of the matryishka doesn't add anything universal. As my first impression was the original alone I might be biased, but at this moment I like the original 'pedestrian' feel and simplicity better. It conveyed the feeling of tumbling in the dark and being baffled about something perfectly well. Also, the parentheses of the original I thought was quite brilliant as an extra, let's call it 'optional' perspective on the whole thing...

I have to agree with Martin. I would have liked the revision very well if you had posted it first, but given a choice, I like the first version better, less telly, more mysterious. The line "but still it's left to the light's quick switch" is absolutely to die for. Well done, Firebird.

Best,
Lisa

Thank you all for reading and your comment.

Martin and ChestersDaughter, I take your points about the first version being better and having more mystery, but I'm still not sure. I'm not even sure about the title - I think it should do more to develop the poem in a different way, rather than continuing a metaphor already present.

Anyway, the time you took to read and comment is really appreciated.

Love,

Firebird

I'm hard pushed to choose between the original and edited versions. I also love the line 'but still it’s left to light’s quick switch', I like the rhythm and sound of it. To me the metaphor represented making meaning out of something before you know all you need to about it. It also made me think of that groping that you do to understand something before it finally clicks into place for you, what we know as 'the lightbulb moment'.