Thread: Floating away

In desperate need of sleep
she's diving into the deep sea of madness
shivering with every breath
smoking her cigarette
whispering to herself
everything will be ok
just another day
another bunch of pills
another lie
another step
further to the abyss
there's no net to catch her
no safety suit
i would help her if i could
but there is no second chance

Too much water
she's melting into the sea
nothing solid to cling on to
the train doesn't stop
as it doesn't stop raining
no ashes falling anymore
the glow faded away
every color disappeared
standing still
alone in the night
alone in the darkness

Because poetry is such a personal form I won't necessarily understand all your meanings and feelings. I read this multiple times and found that, for me, it made more sense to me when I read it with the second stanza beginning the piece.

I was following along fine until I came to '...further to the abyss.' It made me stumble and my mind transformed the line to '...closer to the edge.' I think it was the two syllables of 'abyss' that slowed me down.

Anyway I liked it, and just take my comments with a grain of salt (or shot of whiskey).

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Hi, Celestica. As has been said, poetry can be so personal. And there is a very legitimate genre for this type of writing called "Confessional" poetry. Written by the likes of Ann Sexton, Slyvia Plath, Robert Lowell - etc. You might want to look into them. Now, if "she" is "you", I would suggest taking that brave move and use the "I". I frequently write Confessionally and it really is more effective, heart reaching if you write in the First Person. I am going to assume that you are writting about your own feelings here. I hope you don't mind if I take liberty with your piece.

In desperate need of sleep
I'm diving into the deep sea of madness
shivering with every breath
smoking my cigarette line 3 and 4 have perfect beat
whispering to myself
everything will be ok
just another day
another bunch of pills
another lie
another step
further to the bleak well "abyss" is quite cliche sounding
there's no net to catch me
no safety suit
i would help her if i could Now here's the confusion. Who is "her"?
but there is no second chance

Too much water
she's melting into the sea I'll leave "she's" be at this point, per above
nothing solid to cling onto
the train doesn't stop
as it doesn't stop raining
no ashes falling anymore
the glow faded away
every color disappeared
standing still
alone in the night
alone in the darkness

Celestica, I find it a bit difficut to give you a solid critique because the narrator is not established. A good read, nevertheless.
If you were going for Confessional, it's worth the bravery.

I really enjoyed this poem, it was real and personal. The one thing i was confused on was the meaning of the train. I was getting into the mood of the sea and the water and it just seemed out of place. I was a bit confused, so i was just wondering what the meaning was. Even so it was a very enjoyable poem. good job!