Thread: Vagrancy

Mom didn't get to see
our new place,
schedules failed to mesh,
and without warning
next week
became never.

Daily, I curse dust
that collects
on the stained glass skylight
that would have brightened
her eyes,
and the chorus of cicadas
in summer
is no more than a nuisance
that rubs my drums
the wrong way.
How their song
ever enchanted her
escapes my grasp.

Now new is old,
and I've grown to abhor
the sight
of our ornate front door,
a fancy facade
to hide the void that lies inside.
The unhallowed walls of the hall
can't recall
the echo
of a voice they've never heard,
nor will the wretched floors
ever be blessed
by the caress
of her gentle step.

Without her imprint,
this place,
supposedly ours,
can never
ever
become home…


nor can any other.

A sad one Lisa and I understand how you feel. I feel the same about my dad, sad he never got to see my new place. I love "the caress of her gentle step"

Daily, I curse dust
that collects
on the stained glass skylight
that would have brightened
her eyes,
and the chorus of cicadas
in summer
is no more than a nuisance something bothers me about having both this line and the next two. You tell and then show. Maybe delete this line and say "the chorus of cicadas in summer rubs my drums the wrong way"
that rubs my drums
the wrong way.
How their song
ever enchanted her
escapes my grasp.

Could relate to this and feel your loss.

just adding that I don't think the title reflects the poem

Dear Shadows, I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat and to hear about the loss of your Dad. This is one I wish you couldn't relate to. I'm glad you loved that line, I wasn't sure if it would sink or swim. I see what you're saying about the nuisance line, I'm essentially saying the same thing twice, so I will most probably proceed with your suggestion. I can't bring myself to touch it at this moment, but in a day or two it should be doable. As for the title, not so great I know, I used vagrancy meaning a state of homelessness, lousy choice it seems. Perhaps just Homeless? Initially, I was going to use Incurable Vagrancy or There's No Place Like Home, but I'm really not happy with any of them. Any suggestions? As always, your valuable input is greatly appreciated, thank you so much.

All my best,
Lisa

I was trying to think of a better title because I understand what you mean. The place is a house not a home because it hasn't your mum's presence but I couldn't think of a good way of expressing it.

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

Without her imprint,
this place,
supposedly ours,
can never
ever Through multiple readings, this line continues to bother me. I think it reads redundantly but reading the poem without it seems lacking. Maybe remove 'ever' and then change the next line to "become a home".
become home…

The poem conjured rather vivid imagery in my mind and created empathy as I read it.

I also agree with the title issue and while my suggestions are rather poor I have a few; Only a House, Just a House, or.... I don't know, I'm no longer fond of either of those.

Hi there, I'm in the same boat as well. Just a few of my thoughts down below.

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

Mom didn't get to see
our new place,
schedules failed to mesh,
and without warning
next week
became never. This beginning is lacking something for me. It seems to be apart of another poem, as far as the tone I hear in the speakers voice. I think you could eliminate the beginning all together and start with "Daily, I curse dust.... I don't believe you would lose anything by getting rid of the beginning other than the person you are talking about. Though I think that that can be a simple yet subtle add-in down below.

Daily, I curse dust
that collects
on the stained glass skylight
that would have brightened
her eyes, I like this part
and the chorus of cicadas
in summer
is no more than a nuisance
that rubs my drums
the wrong way.
How their song
ever enchanted her
escapes my grasp.

Now new is old,
and I've grown to abhor
the sight
of our ornate front door,
a fancy facade
to hide the void that lies inside.
The unhallowed walls of the hall
can't recall
the echo
of a voice they've never heard,
nor will the wretched floors
ever be blessed
by the caress
of her gentle step. This whole bit is quite good.

Without her imprint,
this place,
supposedly ours,
can never
ever
become home…


nor can any other.

Overall, The beginning and the ending needs work; a rewrite. The poem seems more thoughtful in the middle than anywhere else.

It's making me think of some sad times my friend... good jAb

The feelings of loss and longing are very toucing here Lisa. Can we ever feel whole again, after such a loss? I can't answer that one, yet.

I think I agree with Winterstorm as to starting with the second stanza and working in who you are mourning towards the end. I know once you've gained a little distance from this one, you'll be able to work this out.

Good work Lisa, it seems you've spent some time with this. Your style has somewhat improved in the sense that you stick more with the essential and leave out the fill. Makes it much easier for my second language mind to digest...

Personally I didn't mind starting out with clearing up the loss. If you keep it, I only suggest you add some quotation marks around "next week" to make it more authentic...

Then the 'rubbing drums the wrong way' image didn't work for me. I mean ear drums doesn't have preferable ways of being rubbed, do they?!

"to hide the void that lies inside." - This line is telling what you are already showing. I suggest you cut it...

Finally I agree on changing the title. The notion that you've lost your home in spirit you already get across so very clearly, especially with the ending. So I think you should rather take better advantage of the title, and have it be more about the feelings of presence we lose, when our loved ones pass. A title is a sensitive thing though, so I would have you work it out on your own. Just my thoughts on it...

I can't say I've felt this yet, but I could easily connect with the piece, and that means you've done well. I think the shorter and more direct lines, than your usual very rich style, makes it much more accessible for me. It has a clear sense of where it's going and what it's about. Really good work my dear.

Oh, and I better say congrats on your promotion. Staying close with some mods might keep me alive a little longer this time eh!!!

Sorry I'm just kidding, couldn't help it : P

Lisa, I do feel your first stanza is important as it immediately tells the reader you’re speaking of your mother. It's very intimate. Please don't leave it out, otherwise the poem could be about anyone. I know your not fond of people re-working your work but please forgive me in this instance as I have no other way of making suggestions.

I think the poem, in general, would be stronger if you referred to your mother in the present tense, indicating that you have not let go of her yet. That she is with you. I allows me to feel for you more.

Here, I tinker. You will find your own way.

Without warning
next week
became never.
Mom, you cannot
not see my new home,
my kitchen where we'd
talk and share tea;
as we always did.

Your second stanza creates a strong visual. Others have given their input regarding the rest of the stanza. There is not point in repeating.

“Daily, I curse dust
that collects
on the stained glass skylight
that would have brightened
your eyes,” Love this!

A little re-working, I think.
　
“Fancy front door,
a mere façade,
which hides the void that lies inside.”

Now your ending breaks my heart. What your poem evokes. But particularly here.

“Without your imprint,
this place,
supposedly ours,
can never
ever
become home…”

Lisa, you tackled a very large, intimate subject and stood away enough from the pain in order to write such a reaching piece. I commend you on your talent and bravery.

"and without warning" - This line bothers me a bit, especially when I read it with the two lines that follow.

"Daily, I curse dust" - I love this line though I don't think you need the comma.

"and I've grown to abhor
the sight
of our ornate front door," - This did have a good sound to it.

"to hide the void that lies inside." - If I were to implore you to change anything about this, it would be the use of the word void.

"nor will the wretched floors" - "Wretched floors" is marvelous.

I think you can do without the last line. I read this many times and it grew on me with each read. I think this home could use a bit more of an identity in the poem, but it isn't needed. I enjoyed it.

So many conflicting voices, Lisa, I hate to chime in...but I will...

My favorite line: and without warning next week became never ( I would leave out the and).

The only thing I think needs reworking is the second verse. I got the meaning but it didn't flow smoothly.

I know this had to be hard for you to write and it's clear you miss you mother very much. I wish she was here for you, sweet girl.

In dreams the home represents yourself. Your home sounds beautiful, and that skylight, the ornate front door the substantial floors and the song of the cicadas are all beautiful aspects of yourself that you can't recognise anymore. Your Mom didn't need to visit this incredible home to leave her footprints and love throughout because she's always been there and always will be and I suspect YOU always brightened her eyes. Vagrancy is to inhabit illegally or to be homeless intruder. You have permission to LIVE there.

i like this one very much, Lisa. You are like a piece of soft delicious candy, with a hard jawbreaker on the inside.

love, Sondra

ChestersDaughter, I really like the way this is written - clear and concise without clutter. I don't think the last line is needed though - in a sence i feel it even detracts from the piece. Only my opinion.

Thanks for an excellent read.

Love,

Firebird