Thread: Two little poems

caterina is a bella
her eyes are quite stellar
and she always gets her own way
caterina is pretty
and thinks that she's witty
and i miss her almost every day

caterina sings badly
and yet i'm still madly,
i'm so utterly madly in looove
if she lowers her voice
i can imagine the noise
as sweet as from angels abooove

i want to make a whole bunch like these, i came up with the two hardly thinking about it and now i'm trying and i can't get anything.

Hi darkoneone

I wonder why you want to make a whole bunch of these. For me they feel quite childlike with forced rhymes and inconsistent meter

like a stella - what is a stella? hard to see what you are comparing her eyes to. Imagery needs to be stronger to get a good visual.

I didn't like the repetition - and yet I'm still madly/and yet I'm so madly in loove.

Why the deliberate misspelling of love/above?

oh i don't know i thought it would be a bit of fun, i guess they're kind of childish for me too, a bit like limericks.your forced rhymes and inconsistent meter are probably part of this, it would be dull having everything rhyme perfectly and the lines all the same.

stella= star in italian (like stellar exploration), it's a problem i guess since you'd say someone's eyes are like stars but o well wasn't really going for outstanding imagery. i'd like a better name than marinella too, it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but i can't think of anything.

looove is pronounced differently than love to me

Hey, I like these actually they're cute although a bit childish but that kind of adds to their charm... Just a few things I thought..

marinella is bella maybe try marianella - it has a bit more rhythm
with eyes like a stella
and she always gets her own way have you thought about having a break here? between this line and the next?
marinella is pretty
and thinks that she's witty
and i miss her almost every day

marinella sings badly
and yet i'm still madly
and yet I'm so madly in looove hm if you're going for repetition why not make it 'and yet I'm still madly in looove' rather than so
if she lowers her voice/ if she makes no noise not sure why you are trying to achieve with the /s, I think it sounds a bit laboured
i can imagine the noise/ i can imagine her voice
as sweet as from angels abooove

Just a few suggestions, don't be put off, I still really like them - well done xx

I could clearly hear this as rap in my head the whole time I was reading it. Don't know if you intended it that way, but that's how it struck me.

thanks for the comments, i hadn't really imagined them as rap--- if you can put it to music, though, go ahead!


maybe the third line of the second one should be 'so utterly madly in love' or something, i got a bit lazy there. the third and fourth lines were just different ways of putting it, i couldn't decide which one to do, i probably prefer 'if she lower her voice...'. unimportant really, i'll change it to that.

the second line of your first poem: Stella isn't such a great idea, mostly since your switching between languages essentially. try to go on an online rhymer and find a better word, it doesn't have to mean star, just something to describe beauty.

let me give ya an example.

her name was lucy,
with glowing eyes and great beauty.