Thread: Sick Day

I was secretly pleased
when you couldn't leave home today.

Drowsy morning hours,
don't want to leave the delicious,
all encompassing warmth of the blankets.

I turned off the alarm,
fetched you some water,
remained awake to watch you
fall back asleep.

Your cheeks are flushed a rosy red,
as if you've been outside,
playing in the snow.

Perhaps you built a snowman while drowsing,
a merry man with dull coal eyes
and a bright crimson scarf.

Maybe you hauled out a wooden sled,
and we shared an exhilarating ride
down some slippery slopes
in the depths of your dreams.

Later, in the afternoon,
I'll make you some hot tea
to soothe your throat,
bring your laptop
and we'll eat bowls of soup in bed.

It's too bad that you're ill,
but it does mean
that I won't be lonely today.

I find it hard to focus on my work,
eyes flicking to the clock every now and then,
waiting for the day to end
and you to arrive home.

But I have you today.

We'll watch some inane show
and I will rest my head
on your chest.

You smell like you,
and I can't help but note
that my head fits here perfectly,
tucked beneath your chin.

This inspires a lovely feeling. I especially like the shape of the words "drowsy morning hours". Well done!

'all encompassing warmth of the blankets'- maybe 'surrounding warmth' or something, I don't like all-encompassing

remained- stayed

dull coal eyes- maybe sharp coal eyes? 'dull' seems to conflict with the rest of the message

I find it hard to- it's hard to

inane- stupid

I like the 'i can't help but notice my head fits here perfectly tucked beneath your chin'. I don't think you should say you were secretly pleased to know the person wouldn't leave at the beginning of the poem, it's not a secret then! You should let that come out in the poem, more subtly even than you did, but maybe that's taking the poem in a different direction. O well.

Hi Damien

Every cloud has a silver lining as you've shown here - her illness means you have company for the day.

A few thoughts but remember they are just my perspective on poetry.

I was secretly pleased
when you couldn't leave home today.

Drowsy morning hours,
don't want to leave the delicious,
all encompassing warmth of the blankets. I think you could remove this verse since in the next one the MC seems to be happy to get straight out of bed and fetch her water

I turned off the alarm,
fetched you some water,
remained awake to watch you instead of remained awake you could just say - then watched you fall back asleep. It is obvious he has to be awake to watch so doesn't need to be said.
fall back asleep.

Your cheeks are flushed a rosy red, you could delete rosy red as flushed implies redness
as if you've been outside,
playing in the snow.

Perhaps you built a snowman while drowsing,
a merry man with dull coal eyes
and a bright crimson scarf. nice image. maybe wishful thinking when someone has a temperature

Maybe you hauled out a wooden sled,
and we shared an exhilarating ride
down some slippery slopes
in the depths of your dreams. I think you could delete this line since you already mentioned while drowsing so it just repeats it.

Later, in the afternoon,
I'll make you some hot tea as you say to soothe your throat it implies the tea is for her
to soothe your throat,
bring your laptop
and we'll eat bowls of soup in bed. lovely cosy image

It's too bad that you're ill,
but it does mean
that I won't be lonely today.

I find it hard to focus on my work,
eyes flicking to the clock every now and then,
waiting for the day to end
and you to arrive home.

But I have you today.

We'll watch some inane show
and I will rest my head
on your chest.

You smell like you,
and I can't help but note
that my head fits here perfectly,
tucked beneath your chin.

I think the lovely image would work better if you deleted the smell line as it doesn't really add anything to the poem but said something like-

We'll watch some inane show
I will snuggle up to you

and I can't help but note
that my head fits here perfectly,
tucked beneath your chin

Thanks for the read and hope you have lots of days to spend together