Thread: </3

Hi, this is my first post on here =). I wrote this poem for an assignment in one of my classes and then had to deliver it orally. The assignment was called "Ode To A Classmate" and as you can imagine I turned bright red after reading it to her; but, she really liked it haha. Maybe some of you guys will like it(though im not sure, this is my first stab at poetry).



Though I'm dazed and confused and I'm floating,
Through the haze I'm amazed I can see,
That a girl from my dreams is awoken,
I wake up but she still doesn't leave.

When I see her it's like I've been frozen,
Helplessly I retreat to my mind,
To find words that already are chosen,
Beautiful, beautiful, she's sublime.

All the time I spent with you was golden,
Every rhyme draws a line in the sand,
On a beach thats been swept by the ocean,
Wash away don't forget who I am.

Now the days don't go by like September,
As the streaks of the rain stain the ground,
You're the person I'll always remember,
You're the rainbow when grey gets me down.

Hi Richard

Welcome to the site and this is a great place.

I didn't understand your title. I need a few lessons in text talk from my kids.

She is a lucky girl. No one has ever written poetry for me. I like the half rhymes but think you could tighten it a bit


Here are a few thoughts but remember this is just my perspective.

Though I'm dazed and confused and I'm floating,
Through the haze I'm amazed I can see,
That a girl from my dreams is awoken, not sure awoken works here and you have yourself waking in the next line.
I wake up but she still doesn't leave.

When I see her it's like I've been frozen, you've already seen her in the previous verse so odd to have you seeing her again. Maybe show the being frozen because she is still here
Helplessly I retreat to my mind,
To find words that already are chosen,
Beautiful, beautiful, she's sublime.

All the time I spent with you was golden, why past tense? Aren't you still spending time with her?
Every rhyme draws a line in the sand,
On a beach thats been swept by the ocean,
Wash away don't forget who I am.

Now the days don't go by like September,
As the streaks of the rain stain the ground,
You're the person I'll always remember,
You're the rainbow when grey gets me down.

hope something helps

She's a very lucky girl to inspire such a poem, and kudo's to you for writing, then actually reading it out loud to her. Wonderful first effort!

Hey Shadows , I agree with the critiques you gave, and if I had a chance to go back and rework it(which I dont :p) those would definitely be things that I'd change.

Also thanks Gumby. Reading it was extremely hard haha, I must have turned red for about 10 minutes afterwards.

Welcome to the forum, Richard. This is a fine first effort, but I didn't get the title, either. Enlighten us, if you would. I agree with Shadow's suggestions across the board, and that this little lady is very lucky to have inspired such verse. I sincerely hope you won't limit putting pen to paper for class assignments, I would love to see another piece from you.


Best,
Lisa

I think the title is a heart with a piercing arrow right?

And welcome Richard. I think you should try and do the edits that you say you like, I'm quite sure it will be worth the while. Maybe you'll even find some nits on your by going through it again. And if not for the piece to come in handy another time, then just for the sake of learning and growing, coz writing poetry is much about that.

Hats of for reading it aloud to an entire class...

Martin