Thread: While They Burned

This is a poem I wrote from the point of view of a Jewish person escaping a death camp. I haven't edited it, so this is my rough-draft version. Any critiques would be welcome.

While They Burned

How many times had I seen it before?
The crumbling walls, the crumbling stone;
the rotting barracks?

It stung my flesh with the fire of the ones who burned here,
who put their lives in the angels' hands,
but they let them down anyway.

The snow falls here now,
covering the death and sadness,
in a powdery white blanket: bleak.

I could feel the presence of them around me,
smothering me with their screams and pleas;
I want to get away but I can't.

I hear bells tinkling in the chilled breeze,
singing a soft song of sweet sorrow,
ringing in my ears like gunshots.

I run from this place,
my feet pattering on the frozen ground like rain;
there is no difference between the tears and the rain.

I stop and sink to the barren ground,
all the fight in me has perished with my flesh, leaving me skin and bone,
and I rot here on the ground until they come steal my soul.

Nice poem, Quorra, very sad. Definitely a dark subject. I like your imagery of the snow and the crumbling buildings, and how they put their lives in the angels' hands. One thing you may want to look at is the wording in the second-last line, the "my" feels out of place.
-cae

Very dark subject indeed. I think that when you edit, if you remove some of the 'the's' and a few other unnecessary words, it would tighten it up so that it would pack a more powerful punch. But that's just my opinion.

[QUOTE]
How many times had I seen it before?
The crumbling walls, the crumbling stone;
the rotting barracks?

Hi quorra

A very difficult subject to write about Well done for attempting it. It is hard to imagine the kind of fear, humiliation and physical deprivation that anyone in a death camp must have suffered at the hands of the Nazis

Perhaps because I'm tired but I didn't really follow having read your introduction whether the person was returning after the war or is escaping.

You also have a few tense switches.

Some other thoughts but remember this is just from my personal perspective and I'm no expert.

How many times had I seen it before? ...should this be - have I seen it before
The crumbling walls, the crumbling stone; ...maybe crumbling stone walls to avoid repetition
the rotting barracks?

It stung stings my flesh with the fire of the onesthose who burned here,
who put their lives in the angels' hands, ..why angels and not God? Jews in that situation believed God let them down not angels. There was a really good movie on tv a while back where prisoners in Auschwitz put God on trial, holding him responsible for abandoning the Jews in their hour of need. There was a whole mock court case. it was fascinating.
but they let them down anyway.

The snow falls here now,
covering the death and sadness,
in a powdery white blanket: bleak. ..show the bleakness rather than tell

I could feel the presence of them around me, ..it would be stronger if you said - They are around me
smothering me with their screams and pleas;
I want to get away but I can't.

I hear bells tinkling in the chilled breeze, ..this could be tightened to - bells tinkle in the chilled breezing
singing a soft song of sweet sorrow,
ringing in my ears like gunshots. ...I don't quite make the leap from a soft song to gunshot

I run from this place,
my feet pattering on the frozen ground like rain; ..before you had snow why now rain especially if the ground is frozen
there is no difference between the tears and the rain.

I stop and sink to the barren ground,
all the fight in my me has perished with my flesh, leaving me skin and bone, ...grim image
and I rot here on the ground until they come steal my soul.

Thanks for the read, you definitely gave me some lingering images and thoughts to those who died.

This is not bad for the subject. It has an appropriate solemnity about it. I agree some trimming is in order, but again, not bad.

The snow falls here now,
covering the death and sadness,
in a powdery white blanket: bleak.

Perhaps you could work the word "ash" somewhere in the above phrase?

Perhaps:

The snow falls here now, ("here" is such as harsh word.)
covering the ashen death and sadness,
in a powdery white blanket: bleak. (The colon takes me out of the poem.)

Originally Posted by shadows

I don't quite make the leap from a soft song to gunshot.

It's the gun shots of the Nazi guards. I think it could be fixed if it doesn't seem to flow right.

Originally Posted by shadows

before you had snow why now rain especially if the ground is frozen

There is no rain. I was saying the sound of the person's feet pattering on the ground was like rain, it sounded like rain.

Originally Posted by shadows

why angels and not God? Jews in that situation believed God let them down not angels.

I'm not exactly sure. I could replace it with God, that would make more since. I guess I was going for a "guardian angel lets it's subject (what would you call the protected?) down" theme.
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Originally Posted by vangoghsear

Perhaps you could work the word "ash" somewhere in the above phrase?

It's a nice suggestion, I'm just wondering why you thought it would be good to have in there?
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I do think I over-use the word "the". I should do some trimming.

When they burned the Jews the smoke stacks from the furnaces released human ash remains into the air, dropping across the landscape like snow. The word "ash" worked in in some fashion equates the image of the dropping snow with the dropping ashes. It's just a suggestion.