Thread: Accident- all new edited final version lol

I appreciate all the feedback on the original version of this poem, it was useful & I've learnt from it so thanks . I made some minor changes but decided ultimately not to do any heavy editing because it's so old; it's one of my earliest pieces so out of sentimentality I'm gonna keep it as you see it now. Still happy to learn from any thoughts you may have though.


Accident

Still the warm coagulation of his blood
binds the knot of my clenched fist.
My helpless, hopeless, hands.

Still the shivers scald my spine,
the rain I did not feel.
I hear his shallow grunting choke,
the silence of that long, breathless, pause.
I asked, 'Is he dead?'
and my father's eyes held mine,
'Aye'.

And still the spectral shadows of my words
haunt the tears I never cried.
The life I could not save.

Hi Jane

Very sad and traumatic, which you've conveyed very well. Could picture you beside him covered in blood watching him go. Difficult memories but I hope writing this helped.

I loved it first time around, Jane, but this edit works very well for me. The only thing I would suggest is removing the comma after breathless, I ken that you want the pause there for effect but it made me linger a little too long. Grain of salt, love, could just be me. Excellent piece.

Best,
Lisa

Hi Jane,

I believe I came across the first version of Accident.This one also speaks of a deep sadness with some deft touches. Brilliant piece.

Uzo.

You already know how I feel about this one Jane, good work.

beautiful, nothing else I can add

It sends chills down my spine. Your poem says so much. An eternity was caught in that helpless moment. Beautiful, minimal, powerful.