Thread: Just a few poems

Just need some critiquing

VENI, VIDI, VICI
I Came,
From the Sands of Egypt,
Stronger, and Wiser by the blood of men.
To the aid of my fellow Romans,
Attacked by Pontian fiends.
I came to the aid of my fellow soldiers,
Given death that does not befit their valor.

I Saw,
As emissaries came,
Begging for peace,
Realizing their great fault.
I will not give pity.
I will not give Mercy,
I will give the edge of the blade.

I Conquered,
Though they had the first strike,
They came as tribal men, and mercenaries,
They came as fools.
They were crushed,
Within five days,
I drove the Pontian into cowardly hiding.

Rome will bow to me,
The World will bow to me.
I am Caesar,
I hear the praise that awaits me,
“Hail Caesar,” they say,
“Hail Caesar.”


and this one too


futile love

You are the face of my dreams,
And they contain your sole image. .
Your countenance as gentle as flowing streams,
In my mind, this is the only visage.
You are as a flower in efflorescence,
Your beauty more striking than the dawn.
Of my obsessions, you are the essence,
From my affections, you have not gone.
But my love, you do not return,
My adoration you do not acknowledge.
Yet my passion for you, so greatly does it burn.
Love of you, I cannot elab’rate in mere language.
I wait for you to re’lize my desire, re’lize my pain.
Alas, I wait in vain!

Hi Lamperoux, Olly did a series of Limericks on the subject of Rome I believe. Though his had a little artistic license taken. This one seems to be straight up historical. I do hear the arrogance of Ceasar's voice coming through here, so well done there.

Now for the love poem, is this a Sonnet? I apologize, as I'm not very experienced with sonnet form, so can't give any meaningful advice, but this is lovely.

Originally Posted by Gumby

Hi Lamperoux, Olly did a series of Limericks on the subject of Rome I believe. Though his had a little artistic license taken. This one seems to be straight up historical. I do hear the arrogance of Ceasar's voice coming through here, so well done there.

Now for the love poem, is this a Sonnet? I apologize, as I'm not very experienced with sonnet form, so can't give any meaningful advice, but this is lovely.

well, thank you for the complement on the first one.

the second one is supposed ot be a sonnet, but i'm horrible at meter, so i don't know if i actually got it right there. if someone is experienced with that, can they tell me?

Caesar's defiant tone came through very loud and clear. My admiration for the first piece also holds in those lines that depicted images of war. Reminds of the fiction film '300'.

I also love the second one, would love to offer suggestion like Gumby kindly said, but unfortunately cannot. Very little do I know about sonnets. Don't worry, the readers below me will hopefully help out.


Fox....

Originally Posted by Foxryder

Caesar's defiant tone came through very loud and clear. My admiration for the first piece also holds in those lines that depicted images of war. Reminds of the fiction film '300'.

I also love the second one, would love to offer suggestion like Gumby kindly said, but unfortunately cannot. Very little do I know about sonnets. Don't worry, the readers below me will hopefully help out.


Fox....

thank you. and also, never really liked 300. no sensible person would go to war with only underwear and a red cape.

Hi Lamperoux

As others have said Caesar's defiance and arrogance comes across clearly. You have some random capitalisation throughout eg sands, wiser, mercy

With the sonnet, I'm not keen on abbreviations such as ad'ration, elab'rate and re'lize, I'm sure you can find a better way of getting the meter, though it is probably still off in places.

I don't know much about sonnets except they are usually 13 lines with the last two a rhyming couplet.

You seem to have 14 lines and the last one is much shorter than its pair

To get 13 lines you could delete the second, which seems to say much the same as the first only not as well. I very much like the way you hook the reader with - You are the face of my dreams so the second line feels like a dilution of that.

Originally Posted by shadows

Hi Lamperoux

As others have said Caesar's defiance and arrogance comes across clearly. You have some random capitalisation throughout eg sands, wiser, mercy

With the sonnet, I'm not keen on abbreviations such as ad'ration, elab'rate and re'lize, I'm sure you can find a better way of getting the meter, though it is probably still off in places.

I don't know much about sonnets except they are usually 13 lines with the last two a rhyming couplet.

You seem to have 14 lines and the last one is much shorter than its pair

To get 13 lines you could delete the second, which seems to say much the same as the first only not as well. I very much like the way you hook the reader with - You are the face of my dreams so the second line feels like a dilution of that.

a sonnet is ababcdcdefefgg so it is 14. i'm sure there are places where i'm off. i used re'lize and ad'ration because it sounded better when i read it out aloud.

Not to derail your thread, but I clearly relate with the costuming of 300. In my culture (before the advent of guns and bullets), warriors who went to war with the assegai were bare-chested. Fought the enemy as if they were possessed. Blood-thirsty contractors! But then again, art is all about appeal. Your take I fully respect, but I have lost count of the number of times I have watched the movie.

Fox....

Originally Posted by Foxryder

Not to derail your thread, but I clearly relate with the costuming of 300. In my culture (before the advent of guns and bullets), warriors who went to war with the assegai were bare-chested. Fought the enemy as if they were possessed. Blood-thirsty contractors! But then again, art is all about appeal. Your take I fully respect, but I have lost count of the number of times I have watched the movie.

Fox....

haha, i know. but the true spartans would have gone in bronze and red (to hide their blood), that's why i have a problem with it.

also, on a very crude note, they weren't gay enough.

Dear Lamperoux, Your Caesar in the first piece got me boiling, so great job with that. As for sonnets, unfortunately, my knowledge is also limited. I will impart what I know, a sonnet consists of three quatrains, four line stanzas with a rhyme scheme as follows, abab, cdcd, efef, each alternating line rhyming, with a final couplet, gg. of two rhyming lines.Total line count is fourteen. Sonnets are not easy to pull off, and I agree with Shadows regarding the abbreviations, too many become distracting. As to the actual syllable count per line, it's usually ten, across the board, although I've seen some use longer lines (more syllables, yet equal) for the final couplet. Your love poem is beautiful, but in order to transform it into a true sonnet, a syllable count is in order. I hope I've been of some help, regardless, I enjoyed your work.

Best,
Lisa

Originally Posted by ChestersDaughter

Dear Lamperoux, Your Caesar in the first piece got me boiling, so great job with that. As for sonnets, unfortunately, my knowledge is also limited. I will impart what I know, a sonnet consists of three quatrains, four line stanzas with a rhyme scheme as follows, abab, cdcd, efef, each alternating line rhyming, with a final couplet, gg. of two rhyming lines.Total line count is fourteen. Sonnets are not easy to pull off, and I agree with Shadows regarding the abbreviations, too many become distracting. As to the actual syllable count per line, it's usually ten, across the board, although I've seen some use longer lines (more syllables, yet equal) for the final couplet. Your love poem is beautiful, but in order to transform it into a true sonnet, a syllable count is in order. I hope I've been of some help, regardless, I enjoyed your work.

Best,
Lisa

alright, so sometimes they can be 140 syllables total? i'm just going to de-omit those syllables (some of them since others i feel keep the flow going in the poem) and leave it as is. i'm not getting this meter stuff too well right now, so i'll just have to give it some time. thanks for the input.