Thread: Joyeux Noel (Yeah Right)

Please don't get me wrong, I love the season
I am no Scrooge and this isn't treason.
Kindly judge me not, 'til you've read this tale
even the bravest can be forced to bail.

I string up the lights and they're all aglow
but when I turn my back, four or five blow.
I've balls in hand but the hooks are missing
the mistletoe's crushed (so much for kissing).

Hanging the garland, I fall off the chair
land in the fireplace and burn off my hair.
Hot tears of frustration roll down my face
so I down six shots forgetting to chase.

I stagger outside and head for the mall
then lose my cell so I can't make a call.
When I spy Santa, I give him a kick
just because I hate the jolly fat prick.

Gruff mall cops shove me out the door
so I stop at a bar and nip a bit more,
then head to the market to score a ham,
weaving my way through the parking lot jam.

I see some nun with the last piece of meat
so I beat her down with a can of beets
then to the checkout I head with my prize
and can't help screaming when I realize

my wallet's been clipped along the way
and at that point, I'd enough for one day.
Nursing a headache, I make my way home
and to my dismay, find four more lights blown.

Joyeux Noel? in a freaking pig's eye,
in this sad world there is not enough rye.
Merry Christmas, all, hope you make it through,
I've gun in hand, guess what I'm gonna do?


Yesterday, after enduring a day quite similar to the one depicted in this piece, I just had to dust it off, if only to cheer myself up. Thanks for reading.

Oh dear! Remind me not to go shopping with you. Just kidding! Anytime you want to hit the malls, just say the word sweetie, my chariot is at your disposal. Glad you dusted this one off, it always gives me a chuckle. You've got quite a collection of these going now, all Christmas themed. You should put them all together in a little book.

I agree....cute little Santa book with his crack showing...lol

Loved it, Lisa Lou...gave me a good laugh as always...

Hi Lisa

Sympathies for the awful day. Madness seems to set in just before Christmas. Still something good has come out of it - you penned this poem, to entertain us all. Love the frustrated humour and I did have to laugh at I've balls in hand (bad me).

Just one nit:

my wallet's been clipped along the way
and at that point, I'd enough for one day.
Nursing a headache, I made my way home
and to my dismay, found four more lights blown.

You seem to change tense in this verse

I hope the run up to Christmas improves and you can relax and enjoy the season. Me - I'm going to hibernate until after New Year (I wish)

ah, i often wrote like this, curse you Santa and your reindeer droppings you only leave behind.

I hope your day is better, laughed at the poem, sometimes its funnier when it happens to someone else.

thank you for the read and the giggle

Sync

Dear Cindy, Thank you for the offer of the chariot, the thought of me trying to hang on behind the thundering hooves of horses down a NYC avenue had me hysterical. The little book idea intrigues me greatly, I could have Melissa do some illustrations, but I don't think I have enough of these yet, perhaps, if I don't grow bored with them, in a few years I'll actually compile a little something.


Dear Te, Thank you love, I'm always very pleased when I can get you to chuckle. Santa's crack showing is brilliant, I'm starting to rub off on you, love, best head for the hills 'fore it's too late. lol.


Dear Shadows, Not bad you, at all. Balls in hand was meant to do exactly that. Elated you caught it. All my days are like this, if it can go wrong, it does. My photo should be next to Murphy's Law in the dictionary. Thanks for catching the tense change, it's fixed, don't know how I missed that. As a Mom you know full well we never get to hibernate, even when hooked up to machines in the ICU we're allowed no rest.


Dear Sync, It's always funnier when it happens to someone else or when everything has been resolved and it's a mere memory. Looking back makes me laugh no matter how horrible living it had been. Reindeer poop, lol, that made my day. Glad you enjoyed, hon.

A very Merry Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year to all.

Warmest,
Lisa

That's a blast Lisa,

Reminded me of an American friend, Cindy, who says on facebook, "Okay so today........I'm hanging mistletoe from my back belt loop."

Merry Christmas,

Ian (smile)

Dear Ian, Love you madly, mistletoe from the back belt loop, genius I couldn't match. Thank you so much, doll, and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Warmest,
Lisa

Sorry for the bad-bad day, but really you are a deep well of inexhaustible humor! And the way you often whip these life stories up amazes me. Oh Santa...

Another appetizing read, Lisa.

Very good poem, the "I'm no Scrooge and this isn't treason" line is my favourite and the end is one of the type that dwell in your mind for some time.

lol love this Lisa, bit of black humour at Christmas always helps to preserve my sanity! Laughed at the 'balls in hand' and the nun with the meat. If you do a collection of these I want it.