Thread: control

moving on

First off S3L5. I take it there's a typo? [Fixed]

Also, is "the mother [she] didn't want to be," child-like [L4], or bad-mouthed [L5]? I think there's an unclear connection there. There are a couple other bits where I lost a sense of continuity. Not that it's forbidden in poetry to do so, but is that what you were going for? Shuffling your way in between different tenses can be very interesting and entertaining, but you can't get careless with it. S5 is the strongest instance of that (not carelessness, but effectiveness) I think. S6 leading into S7 made me think the narrator is going to throw a bigger tantrum than the girl, though the end of S3 suggests otherwise.

S1L3-L5 and S2 was the meatiest section. Nicely done there. I really want to get into this piece more, but there's something stopping me. Maybe too many pronouns?

Edit: Now you get to rip apart the next thing I put up, haha. What's stopping you from editing? You can go ahead and make all my criticism look foolish. You don't want to pass up that chance do you?

you got in before I could fix that tense, so now I can't on here anymore. but I have it fixed on my copy.

pronouns - urgh, they are such a pain in poetry for me, but I see what you mean.

thanks for the read and thoughts

Appreciated

Sync

Hi Sync

I like this, could feel the angry dynamics between the two people. Scary sometimes how us females become like our mothers even if we don't want to - conditioning I guess and easy to slip into the role, harder to be aware of it and consciously stop.

A few thoughts but they are just my perspective.

you scream
you shout
you stomp those little feet
in stupid child-like tantrums For me tantrums are always first associated with children so I wonder if you need to qualify it with child-like? I'm a bit weird when it comes to disliking some words in poetry and stupid is one of those. I feel it is a weak word to use but that's just me.
spitting hate-filled words

just like the mother
you didn’t want to be I like the phrasing of this. Says much
yet somehow
always are

i didn’t care
at first
no, i didn’t…not really the minimalist in me asks if you need not really
because i am a changed man
because i am not ‘that angry jerk’ anymore

but i’m slipping
and
that scares me
yes, it really does ditto, do you need this line?

you see
i’ve lost all feelings
they’ve run away
they’re gone this line says much the same as the previous

now
i’m
out of control
Out of Control
OUT OF CONTROL having said that, the repetition works here

oh
you scream
you shout
you stomp those little feet
but not for long

not for long love the implied threat in this. Could be taken several ways

I found this making me quite sad for some reason.

Also, logically, I was a little lost when going through the poem, even after a few times re-reading. My instinct seems to be indicating that a little refinement would take care that, as there seems to be a thread through it all that's consistent. Of course, I might just be tired. It's late for me.

The 'out of control' sequence really resonated with me. I was right there with you escalating my own emotions as I read.

Finally, and I don't know if you ever try to do this, but for some reason, I could really see this as a song.

Thanks for posting this.

Hello Sync,

Out of Control! Oh-oh.... That part stood out very remarkably, and in IMO works pretty well when taken as the poem's title, too. I get a sense of defiant tone which grabbed the theme in a very remarkable way!

Sync, I would love to suggest, but no hurt intended. The combination of 'stupid child-like tantrums' really caught my eyes. Maybe cos of the 'stupid...tantrum' effect which shaped up to convey the same thing, but in a weak way. Fixing it, I could probably write: You're at one of your tantrums again.

But you are the chief, and it is purely yours to decide. I really appreciate your comments so far on my work and would always love to lend a voice to yours.

Fox.

Thank you all,

That child-like tantrum I will touch that up. The pronouns I've lessened, fixed the tenses. Repeating phrasing of 'gone' - I agree, a bit too much pounding the point home so can be taken out.

there was a time when I wrote songs, but don't anymore.

thanks all, I appreciate the times and thoughts

Sync

I like this just as it is, every word. I love the multiple ways "just like the mother, you didn't want to be" can be taken. The out of control repetition works extremely well as has already been said, and the implied threat, whether it be subtle or severe, is delicious. Much enjoyed.

Best,
Lisa

thank you, Lisa

I hope the Holiday season treats you well.

Sync

I don't know how much the version that's up there now differs from the original, but I truly get what you're saying Sync. This contains many home truths for us all, I believe. I like the spare way you've written it also.