Thread: Awaiting Disregard

It's been a couple of years since I've written anything. There is nothing that will bring my poetry back up to scuff like some constructive criticism though.

Awaiting Disregard

The summer’s a woman
and winter as well
He met her in Heaven
She left him in Hell

The mind was too heavy
The heart didn’t beat
and life was an anchor
attached to his feet

So he watched and he waited
The sun never came
He escaped from the darkness
embracing the flame

And as he fell in the forest
his thoughts made a shrill sound...
Father Time is a doctor
who wasn’t around

Hi SS

Good that you are back writing. There is a very good rhythm and rhyme to this poem, though I get a bit lost in the message.

One man two women - summer and winter. Does summer never come so he goes with winter? Then I get lost who the flame is.

Sorry, it's early, lack of sleep and caffeine hasn't kicked in yet.

I agree with shadow that you have good rhythm and rhyme here, but I think you should disguise your metaphors rather than outright stating X is an X. What are some ways you can describe summer/winter/time to relate them to woman/doctor/etc? For example.

I won't embarrass myself trying to comment on your message here, but a couple words dealing with the mechanical side of things. Fristly, I'm always envious of people who can stick to not only meter, but a rhyme pattern as well. Though reading through, it feels like you got a little lazy in the last couple stanzas.

Originally Posted by ShabookiSkittles

So he watched and he waited -The second "he" is redundant and breaks from the meter in S1 and S2.
The sun never came
He escaped from the darkness -Cutting "the" tightens the line and would match the edited meter above.
embracing the flame

And as he fell in the forest
his thoughts made one shrill sound -This line needs fixing. It's too long and so "one shrill sound" feels awkward.
Father Time is a doctor
who wasn’t around

Perhaps the S4L2-L4 rhyme needs to be changed to something else to make repairing the meter easier. Just an option, and I'm sure you'll find something that you'll be happy with.

Thanks for sharing.

Hello SbS (hope you wouldn't mind the abbrev),

The entry rounded up pretty well in my own opinion. Love the language used. But somehow, I lost the message. Was the male persona waiting for one of the women -I guess Summer- cos you made reference to the 'sun' not showing up?

W.r.t the rhythm, I believe it was well-structured. Something I really admired.

Nice poem!

Mechanically, it does seem clear to me that the last stanza could use some refinement in rhythym and content.

Yet I like the sentiment (at least how I perceived it). Though only with her for a couple seasons, that doesn't mean that pain of loss is any less. And time is only helpful relative to the depth of the connection. Deeper loss affects more strongly.

Nicely done.

I liked this very much Shabooki, and agree with OD regarding eliminating both he and the from the lines cited, and that S4, L2 should be shortened, it breaks your flow. Tried to come up with a fix to retain shrill sound, which I like, but alas, came up with nothing. it's worth working on. The first two lines are a bit on the abstract side as well, I couldn't help but think "and winter as well" meant the woman was cold, possibly frigid. Probably way off base, so tell us, what exactly are you going for? Nice effort, love.

Liked the message and the rhythm as well. Same as the others, S4 L2, I think that line needs shortening. You're absence from writing doesn't seem to have harmed your abilities.