Thread: Expulsion

Eve became a subway refugee,
learned about life in a tomb.

Strange beasts
beat their feet
against concrete;
not all snakes
hustle and hiss
in the same way
(she caught on to that quickly).

The activity of bodies and machines
(hot with the herd and rumbling wheels)
would have reminded Eve of life at home,
but nothing here is left to circumstance.
Movement is an infernal dance,
always dead on schedule.

Sterile breezes bored Eve
with a stale, lifeless smell;
old newspapers and dust
respectively exchanged
dates and place but never seemed new
in their insistent consistency.

Only a minor glance for Eve
after the train spasms with an echo.
The track breeds indifferent children
(all with a splash of her blood).

Nakedness loves company;
Eve felt cold in her offspring's shadows
(they were raised by natural cruelty
in the halogen sun of the tunnels).

I feel bad that this hasn't gotten more attention, though I don't know if there's much to critique here. If anything, I think some of the parentheses are unnecessary. S3 mostly I guess.

On the whole, I very much enjoyed this, especially S4 and S6. Very cool environment you've built here.

A very cold look at humanity, and one that is well deserved in many respects. We do often become indifferent to others and they become invisible to our eyes. We choose not to see them, I think.

Strange beasts
beat their feet
against concrete;
not all snakes
hustle and hiss
in the same way
(she caught on to that quickly).

This stanza really caught my imagination, loved it.

Loved the imagery. The rhyme scheme is solid, it flows gracefully, and the message is clear and meaningful. Stanza four really stood out in my mind. Kudos.

Hi Edgewise

A stark look at life at the bottom of the heap. I too especially liked the same verse Gumby highlighted. I did wonder at some of the tense changes but enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing.

A bitter taste of life. Eve learnt a cruel truth from a dehumanizing angle. Words like 'learnt about life in a tomb' and the last verse really pictured the agonizing journey of this woman. And I must say (just like Gumby and Shadows) that the verse that had to do with the oncoming torment.

Thanks for the read Edgewise.

My mind went to consider the original Eve as she observed all her children in such an artificial environ. Life seems absent from her children's world. What is green, what blooms, what bears fruit - where is the world of her birth, before the desolation took root among us and so virulently spread.

Bleak, but with feeling. Here's to finding the rays of sunshine beaming through the concrete's cracks and following them home...

I'll tinker with the parentheses OD.

Gumby. I don't think we choose not to see; we habitually forget to look.

Appreciated Shabooki.

I wondered if the erratic tenses would be noticed Shadow. Since you brought it up, I'll edit.

No, thank you for reading Foxy.

Nail on the head JB. Indeed.

Loved this, Edge. Expulsion followed by Eve, and each with a splash of her blood (loved that) immediately led me to "first lady" as it did JB. Nice job with that. Absolutely adore S4. As for the parentheses, the first two sets should remains, the last two in S5 & 6 are unnecessary are a more of a distraction than a benefit. I'm sure many people would believe she got her just desserts. Excellent work, and now one of my favorite of yours.