Thread: This is Where I Come From

Hey all. Thanks again for the kind words on my last piece. This is one I wrote recently, still trying to piece things together and get back in rhythm.

Hi Squalid Glass

I really like the first verse of this, especially the last two lines. It gives a strong picture of the disconnection in your family. Where are you? You don't feature at all. The second verse I wasn't so keen on. It has a different feel to it and seems a little odd since you have already placed the family memebers. The third verse doesn't really follow from dusty shelves and unwashed dishes.

I don't normally like poems that are shaped, as I find it too distracting. However, if your intent here was to give a disconnected, tousled feel, I think it worked.

My father is floating away
like a badly pitched tent in a windstorm.
He is somewhere between the Kool-Aid
and his own, dusty attic.

The word 'floating' in the first line doesn't connect with the image of a windstorm to me. I think it's the storm part of the word. It gives a stronger feeling to me than the word floating implies. Floating is too gentle for windstorm. I think a stronger word there would nail the image down. Or a gentler word than windstorm.

I like the Kool- Aid and dusty attic lines. They immediately make me think of a mindless believer drinking the Kool-Aid. The images brought to mind are of someone who is really 'not present' in the family.

My siblings are two blocks away
on Mars.
My mother likes to think
she is grounded.

These lines show very nicely the distance that exists between you all isn't physical, but emotional.

My family is a tousled kitchen –
the shelves are dusty, the floor splotched
and the dishes refuse to wash. Thought this line was particularly striking, as dishes don't wash themselves, so obviously no one will take it upon themsleves to tackle the problems

They bicker like birds and tick like bombs,
ready to fly,
ready to explode.

Loved this stanza, great images and connect well.

I agree with Gumby that floating doesn't work with windstorm but might with just storm or rainstorm

I can see why you used "floating," and while it might not seem to fit with the image of a storm, an object as heavy as a tent would appear to move through the wind much more gently than, say, leaves or trash. You could change it or not, though I don't think it matters. As for the dishes, "clean" would be a better choice than "wash." It still might not feel right unless you add a word or two. I absolutely dig into the siblings on Mars, though reading about the mother, I instinctively asked, "but what?" Looking at it again, I don't think it needs to be answered. It's a good spike of interest I think.

Great piece, thanks.

Nothing special as far as where I come from poems, but certainly well-done nonetheless. I rather enjoyed the comparison to the kitchen and the line about siblings on Mars. I thought that the family dynamic was portrayed effectively, and overall it was an enjoyable read.

Unlike shadows, I think that stanzas 2 and 3 actually go together very well; for me, they evoked a volcanic image, of heated arguments rising from beneath the inert rubble of the "tousled kitchen", with all its "dishes".
I also liked the comic element of

My siblings are two blocks away
on Mars.
My mother likes to think
she is grounded.

I really liked this heaps, Squalid, except for the centering, ugh, I hate centering. I'm on the fence regarding floating in S1, Cindy's right, coupled with windstorm it's more likely he's flying away, or if he hasn't actually taken flight, then flapping away would work also. It's clear what you mean by floating, despite he discrepancy. Loved both siblings on Mars and Mama thinks she's grounded. I rather like "and the dishes refuse to wash" which means despite someone's efforts, they just won't come clean, which I think works. Again, throughly enjoyed this.

Best,
Lisa