Thread: London Effervesces in the Snow.

An unwelcome pile of poetic-looking sludge
outside a bedroom window, sparks
a funeral march of churning cars-
solemn faces, paces slow.

Caged nature escaped- the landscape raped-
time frozen beneath a polar-bear embrace.
Thwarted man surrenders, a pathetic sight:
"Beaten by a sprinkle of white!"
(We only imagined it was a fair fight)

The suicide rates- no incentive to wait-
rocketing, targeting fast-moving trains.
The children applaud you, wrapped up in wool;
the commuters know that it's personal.
London's public forms a steam,
so desperate to disperse;
a snow-capped car becomes a funeral hearse.

Overall, it's pretty solid. There are a couple places where I think it gets a bit wordy, however.

- S2L2, you can probably cut "solid" since it's given that anything frozen is no longer gaseous or liquid.
- S2L4, "it to be a" adds a lot of fat to the line, without contributing substance.
- S3L7, I think if you stick with "snow-covered car," you should split "becomes a funeral hearse" into a new line. Alternately, you could go simply with "snowy" or "snow-capped" to cut out a syllable, but that might lose a little power.

"alas" in the last line also caught me a bit. It seemed up until that point that dying was more of a motivation or goal, but "alas" implies otherwise. Maybe it's just me.

That said, I loved the internal rhymes of S2L1 and S3L1. Good read, thanks for sharing.

Hi Chez

It was quite amazing how quickly the snow fell yesterday. I agree with ODaly's suggestions but I also wondered why "poetic sludge" when there are no further writing metaphors.

I also wondered at the poetic sludge. Though it's a wonderful image, I couldn't connect it, so the impact was lost on me. Could just be my poor brain that couldn't connect it. Good suggestions by ODaly. Good work

Thank you all for the suggestions!
I juxtaposed "poetic" with "sludge" to underline the paradox of something so simple as a heap of ice seeming so poetic. I wonder if "poetic-looking" works better?
And I have done a revision in accordance with O'Daly's suggestions.

Hello

I didn't like the double funeral, felt the first could easily be 'a churning march' keeping the last stanza stronger with the 'funeral hearse

poetic-looking sludge - why not just poetic-sludge - the poetic side of snow, along with the decaying results would then be shown together.

*sadly I don't know what the original looked like as this has been edited which makes it hard to see what the posters above got to see.*

sounds like a crappy day, good thing snow melts

thanks for the read
enjoyed

Sync