Thread: Stay away from Bars at Holiday Time

Every New Year’s Santa
makes the same resolution
to go on a diet
but pounds he ain’t loos’n.

He eats ham and hawk
even the latter’s tails
and pats his tummy
while their arses flail.

Santa’s a disgusting old man, he is,
and all on the Pole try to keep it a secret.
This year one elf went for the ride.
We talked at a bar and he happily leaked it.

“Santa’, he said, “he munches on reindeer, too”
Oh my God! I could not believe my ears.
“Dancer and Prancer are gone“, he cried!
I was brought to tears as he slugged down beers.

“Elf” I said, “I think you’re an alcoholic midget
making up fibs cause you get nothing for Christmas."
He jingled his green stocking cap and laughed.
As I said “I think you are wretched and judge you an ass.”

So during the holidays don’t celebrate at bars.
Stay close to home and drink lots of eggnog.
Decorate your tree and forget Santa eats hawk.
Put on the TV and watch that Yuletide Log.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

This had me laughing! Definitely something to be reading to the hopeful little kiddies at Christmas time. Dancer and Prancer are gone because Santa ate them. I think the children will be scared come Christmas night!

This could be a brilliant anti-Dr Seuss (or is his name spelt with a 'z'?) if the syllable count on each line was stricter. It more or less fits, but there are a couple places that don't, and so it reads a little more unusually.

Warped, I love it! LOL

Oh my! Night Before Christmas, this ain't. I never did trust those little elves though.
Very funny Laurie, I think Nick is onto something with his Dr. Seuss comment.

Hi Silvermoon

Very funny, the underside to Christmas. I'm staying home Do people still drink eggnog?

shadow, eggnog passes my lips once every couple of years. This year, though, we found some "Pumpkin Spice" eggnog that was wonderful. It was like drinking pumpkin pie.

As for the poem, I thought it nicely done bit of humor. It can be hard to make the funny pieces work, but this is successful. You and Lisa seem to come by it naturally. My humor tends to really work in my fiction pieces but seems absent from most of my poetry. I think you and Lisa should do a holiday chapbook!

Another humor for Christmas. I love the conversation, especially when the drunken elf bemoaned the loss of dancer and prancer.

This would be fun for the kids. But I still wonder (just like shadow) if people still have eggnog. But JP seems to have cleared me on that.

Excellent read, Laurie.

Nick I know the syllable count was off a bit but I thought what the hell, post it anyway. I usually never rhyme because it's not my forte. Ha, anti-Suess indeed! If you look up Edward Gorey you'd find more sick humour there. I'm a collector of Gorey's short works and he does have one for Christmas. Now, he's sick! Funny as can be if you go for that type of humour. Thanks, Nick!

guy Warped is exactly what I was going for! Sick time at Christmas. Thanks

Cindy

I never did trust those little elves though

Good things do not nesessarily come in small packages.

Shadow I do every year. Have to have that eggnog. They sell it in any supermaket during this time of year. But don't drink too much if, like Santa, you go for hawk. Don't think it mixes well. Stay with rum!

JP I'll be looking for that pumpkin spice! Sounds delicious.

You and Lisa seem to come by it naturally

Oh, JP, that has to be the greatest compliment! Lisa is the Queen of Sick and her meter is perfect. I'm just goin' for the ride but am so glad you enjoyed. I'm wondering what I can do with Easter? Hummm.

Foxyrider I really had fun with the conversation. So glad it appealed to you!
Carniverorous Santa!

As official ambassador for the World of Warped, please allow me to welcome you to our realm. Your gift bag of weapons of torture and assorted poisons is in transit and should be arriving promptly. Love this, Laurie, tickled me funny bone, it did. I blew a gasket laughing over the duality of Queen of Sick, it's a befitting title no matter which way it's taken. You clever beast. And my meter is not perfect, that elf's breath must have you intoxicated. This is hilarious, love, but there are a few spots that need a bit of tightening. I will have a suggest or two a little later, I have to hand the computer over to Melissa for a bit, but I'll return. The simple removal of a word here or there will even out any bumps. I've said it before but I'll say it again, metered rhyme is a harsh taskmaster and the tinkering is enough to drive one mad. Great fun, love, and I loved your red and green color scheme in your reply. I'll be back...

Thank you so very much, Official Ambassador of the World of Warped! Send over that bag of 'tricks" and I'll consider it a Christmas gift from you. And throw in some eggnog on ice and a few beers for the imposter. Let the little midget drown in his sorrows. Do set me straight on meter. I went over it again and in fact did eliminate a few words but know it needs more work.

I, the Queen of the Dark and the Contemplative, fear I am confusing my following. Trust I'll be back with gloom and doom the first of the year. I just don't do sentimental.

Gloom and doom are standard for both of us, but there's nothing wrong with having a jolly old good time in between. Followings usually won't bolt unless you lead them to crap, lol, which you would never do. I'm taking my suggestions to a PM in case you hate them.

Bring them on!

Lisa Thanks for your suggestions. What a wonder adding or subtracting a few words can make! You follow true meter form but equally important, you've got the ear!